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Listen Up Guys

“The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started?” – Billy Connolly

It was Freud who pondered the question, ’What do women want?’ He never answered it. I however, after over thirty years as a relationship therapist will attempt to assist you guys with some of my insights.

First of all, consider why I start this with a quote about sex. It’s because without that there is no real relationship of intimacy between a man and woman. And there are all kinds of sex; from the perfunctory to the total fabulous loss of self, sex. You need to know things about women. No one teaches you what really matters in this area and what really makes for a good life.

19685897_sWomen can do great damage to you if you do not understand some things. They can be irrational, emotional over anything at any time, they can be demanding, and they can be controlling. Watch out for all the signs and then if love is there learn how to handle these aspects. Let’s see if we can figure some of it out.

Whenever a female is not getting what she wants from you, she will act out or become silent. If she withholds sex she is not a REAL woman, and knows nothing about love.

Now what does she want from you? It’s not the little things that you argue over, or the details about whatever… it is ALWAYS that she does not feel loved the way she wants to be. A real woman only wants to inspire love. Now how is that defined?

It can vary but the studies show that WORDS are your most powerful aphrodisiac.

Now if your deeds do not work together with what you profess there is a problem.

We all USE one another for our purposes, but when in intense love that USE is taken over by wanting to please the partner primarily. It just happens. When you are there you will know it.

No matter how upset, how angry over whatever, how hurt… the magnetic force to be close will get you over it.

The ‘glue’ of sex will conquer all. It will.

So now you need to learn, and better to learn early, how to have great sex. Again, no school for this ultimate of life’s joys.

Masters and Johnson did research that showed that there was absolutely no difference between a vaginal or clitoral orgasm. You of course, need to know where the clitoris is. Do you? Well, it’s that small raised part of the vaginal opening down from the naval. Massage it the way she likes, softly, or vigorously. Ask her. Ok, now get started. It takes a woman longer than a man to get ‘there.’ Average time about fifteen minutes. It can seem an eternity I know, but it’s worth it.16890746_s

Women can achieve multiple orgasms, and need no time in between. Women know penis size means nothing when it comes to ‘doing’ it. The pleasure from orgasm cannot be measured and need not be discussed after the fact. By the way, it is fabulous for your brain and health. Nice fringe benefit!

Women who are comfortable with their bodies, and confident in themselves who enjoy their sexuality are the best partners. You guys know them and will want to be totally ‘into’ them!

A real woman does not demand declarations of love, or expect you to read her mind. She wants you to listen, has a life apart from you, is interesting and relates openly to you, and talks about her feelings.

One of the areas most men are not aware of is the fact that women like variety. The early relationship had it.

Otherwise it is dull and boring and just a habit for release. Both partners should be free and open to experiment and have fun with one another. Sex actually, if you are not involved, is kind of funny.

Over time you will develop a ‘style’ in bed. Alter it from time to time. Surprises are not bad.

In a recent U.S. survey they found that 14 percent of men were not satisfied with their sex lives and only 16 percent were very satisfied. You can bring that statistic up!!!
In that same survey eight out of ten men preferred performing cunnilingus to having oral sex. There’s a surprise for you!

Sixty five percent used lubricants and forty two percent used vibrators. Won’t go into the other stuff that can go on in bed. When two people want to do it; NOTHING is off limits!!!

If you want a crystal ball look at your mother and then look at hers. See any similarities? Like them? Like their marital relationships? Beware, you are about to repeat emotional history, like it or not. It takes a heap of insight, work, and bravery to change it. Yes, times and attitudes, and things change but the human beings we are have not evolved terribly much… for good or bad.

So, listen up you guys… learn and enjoy, and make her orgasmic. Do not be a selfish lover. It will all pay off, trust me.

“No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves.” – Ed Howe

Learn anything? Let us hear from you, and don’t be shy. I’ve heard it ALL!

Let The Games Begin

“Humanity is a pigsty, where liars, hypocrites, and the obscene in spirit congregate.” - George Moore

Sound pessimistic and jaundiced? You bet!

Is it true? Often… BUT not always.

 

The problem is we all try to put on our best show and when we feel we cannot, we resort to playing games.

Sometimes with ourselves, even.

 Some really believe their own lies and deceptions. Others make excuses to justify their behavior, and some do buy their own deceit. There are many good actors in all of this and even the best of us succumb to gilding the lily, if you will, at times. When, how often, under what circumstances, and most important with whom, will tell the true story.

 No, we cannot or even do not want to be completely honest with who we are and how we deal with one another at all times. Sometimes it is easier to skirt, or avoid an issue, or make it so that we do not really hurt or wound another. Some are merely scarred and ‘chicken.’

20722664_sIf we care about someone, we should try to be ‘mostly’ honest. The truth will out by what we DO, not just by what we say.

When our needs emotionally are not met we can cook up all sorts of games to attempt to have them fulfilled or just understood.

The game is ON when we knowingly do something not direct or talked about.

Some usual examples are sort of fun if not amusing to look at.

The not answering phone calls. Pretending to be out or busy when it is not the case. Telling stories about made-up people or adventures.

Purposely avoiding a contact or confrontation.

Using others to get a message across… a la Cyrano de Bergerac.

Sending anonymous messages… easy today with all the resources available.

Rationalizing or philosophizing to make it sound, ’right’ and both believable, and justifiable.

Being unable to be contacted.

All games!13038971_s

Useful, to be sure, at times to get the message across. But, can a truly loving intimate relationship have games too?

Yes, indeed. Sometimes they help move a process along.

There are some that have worked wonders.

Leona Helmsley is said to have sent herself a big bouquet of roses pretending a suitor sent them to get Harry jealous and have him propose to her rather than procrastinate.

An elderly fabulous woman, Maggie Kuhn, the founder of the Grey Panthers, spoke at Harvard and announced she had a lover thirty years her junior, to which the students stood and applauded. It got her such a lover.

A woman whose husband was in the public eye, and liked attention, arranged for him to meet a fan only to discover his wife was there dressed to kill, waiting to greet him. Messages delivered… Game Over!

It is always just a matter of time before relationships get dull, ho hum, boring or dead. Games can liven them up, or make a new beginning.

Now, I am not suggesting this as a way of life but maybe just a bit of spice to keep us all on our toes and so that ‘taken for granted’ is diminished.

Feeling special and having it demonstrated is what loving is about.

Promises are only good when signed at the bank!!

In the end a bit of game playing may be in order but only a strong real relationship will take it in stride.

“This business of learning how to love is probably the most important lesson anyone ever learns in life, if he is fortunate enough to learn it.”William Menninger M.D.

What games have or do you play?

What Really Gets You Angry

“The woman who cannot hate like a bitch afire, and express it, cannot love like a tigress, or a kitten.” - Brendan Francis

Get angry, by all means, and let it out.

Women usually get nasty, or retreat in silence. Men have the fight or flight syndrome. Whatever… it is anger expressed. Now sometimes it can get furious, and if you look at the majority of murders, it’s because of love gone awry.

Look at the things that make you angry. Most of the time it’s because of unmet emotional needs. He/she doesn’t say or do what you want, the way you want, or when you want… simple as that.

Now the specific cause may have nothing to do with the underlying real reason.

What Really Gets You AngryWe get hurt, disappointed, and angry with the same issues all the time. If we have tried to calmly, after the fight, explain the reason, and our partner persists in the same behavior, he or she can’t or won’t change, and you have to decide if it is worth all the drama.

We get angry about things left over from childhood and how we ultimately feel about ourselves. It is all based on what we think we are ‘worth’ and deserving of.

If we grew up thinking we were wanted, special, attractive, liked our body, and became accomplished and valued we have a solid core.

If we are insecure in any of the important areas of life, we are more vulnerable.

We become sensitive in the spot that makes us feel lessened, not valued or appreciated, or understood.

If you are a long way from the person you want to be you are already on shaky ground and anything might set you off. You feel attacked and have to fight back or crumble.

We need to know who we are and how we tolerate a partner who is not US. The really insecure ones try, or do use control as a means of keeping a partner. Some unsuspecting partners even allow it, or think it is the easy way out. HA!

In the beginning of most really loving relationships we like the differences in our partner and certainly overlook much. With time, these same attributes become liabilities. This is especially the case when affection, and yes, sex, is not good or even there. That is the salve for bruised feelings. It works wonders!!

People are usually all happy in the same way, but misery is unique to each one.

The question may become who has leverage here and how is it used.

The story of Venus, the goddess of love and Adonis, the handsome hunter who thought he was the best, shows what can happen to a couple; mythical or not.

She dreamed he had an accident while hunting and tried to prevent him from a hunt. He ignored her and went off and a wild pig killed him with its’ tusks. She had to watch him die as a result.

So there… who doesn’t listen to you?

That could have been a BIG fight! What Really Gets You Angry

At any rate to move on, don’t stop disagreeing, or having differences of opinions, just know how to keep healing. The worst relationships are the ones that tell you they never fight. They have no passion and are just pathetic and really don’t care a hoot about one another.

Be careful about what is said in the heat of an argument, as that will be remembered. If you fight dirty and tear down the person rather than deal with the issue that can be very damaging.

In some cases people are so dissatisfied with themselves their anger is let out on the person closest to them who they think will not abandon them. That is another situation entirely.

Some rules that could help include, honoring boundaries, accept the reality that your partner is not you and thinking as you do.

Make ups can be great; intimate, and special. You can examine the issues, grow, and not keep repeating the same stuff. If not, make a joke the next time about, ‘Here, we go again.’

Being unhappy is stultifying and will fester. Get it out and keep the flame ignited, but in a positive way. Your partner should be your best friend who is SEXY!!

“One privilege of being associated with people whom a person loves is that of being angry with them.” – Arthur T. Jersild

What gets you furious?

Time To End It

“When life looks like it is falling apart, it may just be falling in place.” - Beverly Solomon

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. The beginnings are usually magical and wonderful. We look at the beloved with those proverbial rose colored glasses. We make them our ‘fantasy’ love. We accept and forgive things that we formerly would not.

As a relationship progresses we all know that moment when the light goes off and we realize this is not the person I thought he or she was.

By this time a whole raft of things may be going on; responsibilities that take time and attention, perhaps children come into the picture, money issues, work related concerns, and so on. This is a test.

Is there enough to keep it going?

For many the adjustment works and they go on. The closeness, intimacy, talk, touch, and of course, sex, can work wonders and smooth over many bumps and even big upheavals.

How differences get resolved is a biggy here.Time to end it1

Criticizing the behavior, not the person helps. Getting the feelings of hurt or anger out is absolutely necessary. Who apologizes and is it always the same person?

Does the ‘injured’ party make themselves understood… really?

What are the issues? Are they always the same? Are they in fact, important?

There is no ‘winning’ in these cases. It is truly just deeper understanding which will move the relationship along and make it more intimate. If it is a control issue or one upmanship, or seen as a defeat or loss of face, that will not make a mature and lasting resolution. Pride has no place here.

If you have gone over the same ground a hundred times and there is no change in behavior it may be time to either take it for what it is, if there is enough other positive, forgive the partner who has a blind area, or if it is too hurtful too often, time to end it.

Life is about mostly small, daily, boring things. The fun comes from a whole mess of outside and internal behaviors that make it interesting, and joyful.

You know my theory, that without love and passion you might as well be dead. The fact is that there are huge numbers of the ‘walking dead.’

Look around, watch the interaction between couples, and listen to what is said. The proof is always in the behavior, not the words.

Now you can focus on the negative or you can try to pitch to the positive but when the negative outweighs the positive and you have tried your damnedest to correct it and nothing changes. Get on with your life!!

Sometimes we expect the impossible or have unrealistic desires, or unreasonable hurts. That all has to be looked at… honestly.

Sometimes a relationship has served a purpose and outlived its’ usefulness, to be blunt about it. People do change and needs do not stay static. However after a certain age, and no one knows when, there should be a level of maturity.

Time to end itThe heart, however, and the feelings attached to it may not grow or expand. Acceptance and forgiveness may not be possible and then you need to move on. There are too many people out there hungry for real love to stay going around the same merry-go-round going nowhere forever.

Love means that your joy comes from loving and giving of yourself in every way possible to your partner. If you are not a martyr and there is little returned for your needs, then you should find someone else.

There are some situations or times in the course of a relationship where one or the other is limited and this should balance out over time. It is almost never a constant fifty-fifty and that’s fine.

Two people from different backgrounds and experiences in childhood learn to accommodate one another; some more successfully than others however.

Growth emotionally, life experiences, and intimacy keep love alive.

If you are the one ending it you will still feel that horrible empty feeling in your stomach, wonder if you did the right thing, miss many aspects about that person and what you shared.

If the decision is a good one you have to give it a bit of time, and always remember the reasons for the ending.

I promise you, life will go on, it will not be on the six o’clock news and you will live to have another relationship that will be better because of what you learned!! I promise!!

“Resentment is one burden that is incompatible with your success. Always be the first to forgive; and forgive yourself first always.” - Dan Zadra

 

This Is Life And It Sucks

“The earth… has a skin, and this skin has diseases. One of these diseases, for example, is called, man.” – Friedrich Nietzschelife sucks13104876_s

So, we get in these awful moods where nothing is the way we want it, and then we look at this troubled world. Was it ever different? How does it all impact us humans?

Recently I had a discussion with a bright man who was trained in astrophysics and then as a physician.

He gave me food for thought.

The universe has been around for about 14 billion years and is always in movement and changing. It is believed the planet Earth came into existence by the collapse of gases into solid materials about 4.5 billion years ago.

Earth has been through cycles of ice, jungles, deserts, and oceans, as it revolves around the sun. Today the earth still has a liquid center and a surface of solid plates of rock.

Life on earth may have begun about a billion years ago when conditions of moisture and temperature were correct.

Humans appeared about 100,000 years ago, and for the past 5000 years humans have become the dominant species adapting to changing conditions. There is little proof that humans can alter the course of the planet’s changes.

life sucks22207527_sAnother theory is that life emerged 3.5 billion years ago and mass extinction events have occurred about five times in the course of this history. A social critic, Derrick Jensen, believes that human history may show a naturally destructive force.

Wars, nature, humans, all cause destruction. Have you visited Pompeii? We were putting people in ovens not that long ago to kill millions. Just watch any news program today to get a current state of affairs.

We only see life backward, never forward!

The human brain is now enlarged to 1400 centimeters increasing our ability to work in cooperative groups, be social, analyze intelligence, and divide labor skillfully, and so on. Has it helped? You tell me.

People looking for life to be, ’fair’ are wasting their time. Wanting answers to much about life is often very limited in conclusions. Frustration!!!

Today in many parts of this world there is no shame in terrible behavior and politicians and lawyers have found ways to get what they think people will settle for, no matter what the reason. Where does that leave us?

Values that make money number one and great science can’t do it.

When I talk about love and relationships, the topic seems dwarfed by the overall human condition and this planet’s path. But I do it anyway, as those fleeting transitory periods are what makes this life bearable and indeed joyful.

I fluctuate between disdain and pity for most humans, and this is my professional business!!

A new book by 85 year old E.O. Wilson from Harvard, ”The Meaning of Existence” talks about who we are and who we want to be.

He thinks that after three and a half billion years of existence and evolution we are in the age of loneliness.

Those of you who follow my blog know I agree. You can see it all around you.life sucks20635517_s

Young people trying to connect, and usually through a device, not direct human contact. Older people who are ‘together’ but have never had true intimacy. Should I go on?

He also feels that by the end of the century a half of all species we know now, will be extinct.

When are we humans on that list???

Now before you get too maudlin…. I also say, find your passion, joy, go for it, and do not let it go… no matter what.

We will get through day by day, and you have nothing to decide about it all anyway, at least not today.

My own personal solution includes a glass of wine, great music, and dancing with my own romantic ideal!

“After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, maybe life isn’t for everyone.” - Larry Brown

What are your ideas on this subject? 

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