Skip to content

Give Up And You Win

“The whole world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy for those that feel.” – Horace Walpole

This life is tough, and this world is not easy. In order to survive you have to be ‘tough.’
Getting strong and being able to stand on your own two feet, and being independent takes work. Taking care of others requires even more.

Because of all of this many people decide not to ‘share’ themselves completely emotionally. With enough practice it becomes easier and a habit. That makes a person responsible only to themselves.Give Up and You Win

They don’t have to care about doing anyone else’s bidding, pleasing anyone but themselves, and certainly not being vulnerable. Their routines are like that gerbil on the wheel…going through the motions.

They can be busy, involved with work, and any number of activities; some even doing good for the broader world. But, in the end they do not have the experience of opening up, and baring their heart, to a shared experience. Rationalizing or not even looking at their lives they believe that this is all that life offers, and to be sure, many others look exactly the same so maybe that’s it.

Perhaps that is it for the majority of people. Not everyone is able to ‘give’ in all its’ forms.

Can that be learned or changed? I think so. Hence this blog and all my years of counseling and family life education.

 

To share oneself intimately happens with someone you are connected to; in all its’ forms! The steps may be slow or maybe fast and it usually works in tandem. I tell you how I feel and you share your deep thoughts and feelings and in tandem we learn to trust one another. We move along and it gets us closer and closer.

Attraction and lust starts the ball rolling but real love takes time along with that.

We test one another and we have areas of independence and then dependence… emotionally.Give Up And You Win

Sometimes a really self-contained successful person views giving up oneself to another as ‘weakness.’

Self-protection is necessary but to get to be totally vulnerable we have to jump in and take that leap of faith.

Testing before will help us bite the bullet.

Intense feelings, needing someone to love, desiring, and being desired are all part of this package. Frightening to be sure. Losing oneself is never easy. Once lost there is no turning back.

If you have chosen well it will be the most fabulous experience on earth. If not you will retreat and not jump in so fast again…maybe not ever. It can feel like a win or lose situation. Keeping control can prevent you from doing what will bring you true happiness.

Now none of this is constant but a little goes a long way.

Knowing you are loved and loving manifests itself in thousands of ways; some small, some large.

Time will test it all, and love will always win out if it is genuine. Sex is the glue for it all.

If a relationship has outlasted its’ usefulness there will be no real love; just that gerbil thing.

When a relationship is deteriorating it takes work to alter it, move it along, bring it to new depths, or end it. All of this is hard, hard work, and can only be accomplished if there is a connection that goes to the two hearts involved. It has to be acknowledged and then Give Up And You Wintalked about, cried about, laughed about, and fought about. All good raw emotions.

This can only happen when each one is ready and able to ‘fight’ for the end result… continued connection… in every way.

Now not every relationship can withstand this, and maybe this kind of closeness was never there. Again, the gerbil. There are couples that live this way all of their lives, and think they are fine. So be it. Some of us have higher standards, and do not settle. Here a caution, that there are always some compromises. Some of us are capable of the best that life offers. My hope is that you are one of those. You don’t know until you ‘give up’ and connect in that special way.

It will not diminish you, you will not be seen as, ’weak’ and you will not disintegrate… You won’t.

What you will do, is be a winner in this life because you will have won the greatest prize of all… LOVE!!!

“To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, the next best.” – William Makepeace Thackeray

Your Achilles’ Heel

“What can we know? What are we all? Poor silly half-brained things peering out at the infinite, with the aspirations of angels and the instincts of beasts.” – Arthur Conan Doyle

The problem as I see it, after a lifetime of being a therapist, is that we are all vulnerable on some level. What we know and do about it is the real test.

There are some areas that we carry over from childhood and how we were treated. The messages that go way back before we knew what was happening can hurt us for our entire lives. If you heard a bad message from day one you can believe it, no matter what happens later on in your life. That echo remains. It is very hard to change it.

8705658_sIt can be about how you look, how you do not measure up to parents’ expectations, how you compare to others in the family and so on. It can continue and be delivered subtlety or directly. No matter what, you will get the message. It can be a strong or weak message and you will have to deal with it in your own way with your own personality.

Some choose to laugh it off, some try to deny it, some fight it mildly or vigorously. No matter what, it is an element that must be dealt with and hopefully not incorporated to the extent that you are damaged for life. It can prevent you from full relationships and can cause depression, self- doubt, and in essence thwart you in your endeavors or prevent you from even trying. It can also provide you with an excuse for things that are ‘wrong’ in your life. Then the responsibility is lifted from you.

Now none of this is usually done maliciously, but then again, none of us has to be licensed to be a good parent.

We just do what we learned from our own parents usually.

We also get messages from other adults and from our peers. Those can underline and reinforce the first ones or they can present new ideas that can benefit our self- image. That is often helpful.

All of this can be out of our control at first, and then we can see it, and may want to change what we learned. We all need to take a look at our lives from time to time.

As we grow and mature we may stay angry and want to pay back the people closest to us, or the world, for our hurt, or we can decide consciously to make our life better.

No one is perfect and we often have an unreal image of what the ‘perfect’ person should be. We have imaginary ideas and our media does not help. We never see a whole picture. We only get glimpses.

The men and women presented to us are fit and beautiful, with wonderful relationships, good children, and lots of expensive things. Not a real life behind the scenes. Often when the picture perfect image crumbles we are shocked.

We all have that Achilles’ heel and the people who trigger our response learn how to ‘get’ us.
The people who then decide to live on the surface of life, and not get too close, in order to not be hurt are all around us.

They have gulfs between them and are miserable ‘stranger companions.’

It is terrifying to be completely vulnerable and not everyone can do it. They are the lonely Your Achilles Heelpeople who spend their entire lives longing for a closeness that eludes them. There is no shared depth of feeling. The worst is that they live with indifference. They protect themselves from being swallowed up they believe or finding their

Achilles’ heel is felt like death itself.

What is troubling today is what our technology has delivered. People are texting one another all the time. They share where they are, what they are doing, and so on, but the real eyeball communication is not there. The sharing of feelings and what really matters is elusive.

Genuine openness is not in their repertoire. What they feel about themselves is keeping them from being free emotionally and taking that chance. They are almost never spontaneous and look for relief from a wide variety of sources that do not meet the deep hole inside.

Being rejected is part and parcel of the human experience. Most of us handle it and move on. Our egos and sense of self is strong enough to combat it and not let it do us in. Our Achilles’ heel can still have a foot that can kick! Being genuine and not appeasing people to be accepted, is a great goal.

We have to fight off the early ‘bad’ messages, and find ourselves, and ultimately like who we are, good and bad. It is often a rough road, but look at the people who have overcome all sorts of obstacles, whether looking awful, to not being real smart, or successful, and look at what they have accomplished. We all have something to be loved about. We all have something to make this a better world. Find yours!!

“The greatest happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved- loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.” – Victor Hugo

Choose A Partner Wisely

“In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar, a custom which is still continued.” – Helen Rowland

Choice is the operative word here. We ALWAYS have choice.

What used to happen no longer happens in the manner in which we choose partners, whether for short term or the more important, long term connection.

The best rule of thumb is to be mature, (not an age), and experienced enough to know what matters to you.

When people married young without much knowledge or experience, in or out of bed, it was a real crap shoot.Choose A Partner Wisely

There were restrictions that kept couples together, even when they knew they were not good for one another.

Today we have a new set of standards and expectations. We also have more open knowledge, and experience.

The problem today may be that we have TOO much experience and we do not have romance or value partners.

They become expendable. Many people wait until they feel the age for having children may run past them and they then grab whomever, in order to fulfill that wish. Some don’t need a partner to even do that. Science has assisted in the entire process.

But if you do want a partner, for a while, what do you set up as criteria? Studies have been done that show people choose partners who have facial symmetry and are considered handsome or beautiful. That is an indicator of good genes. It also helps in the female being orgasmic. She is ready for pleasure, even though you may need a GPS to find that illusionary G spot! I do not think it is even an important element for orgasm. He is always ready.

Primal ecstasy is so wonderful that those few seconds, and that is all it is, seconds, have lasting memory and the need to repeat it is strong. In one study they found that only twenty-three percent of women were orgasmic from male penetration. So, women, and men have learned what to do. The various sexual behaviors have been learned and are widely practiced. Great!

The more you know the better it is and that holds people together. It is the ‘glue’ if you will, of any really intimate relationship. The better in bed the better all around.

Now being a great lover does not make for a great relationship in and of itself but it sure helps.

Other qualities are important.

Watch how he treats waiters, cab drivers, and others not in his category. Look at his tie or lack of it to his mother, in particular. Is he kind and caring to you? Does he try to please you even when he doesn’t agree? How is his frustration and anger expressed? Is he a responsible person you can trust? Does he open up and share his feelings with you? Who are his friends and what are they like? Is he controlling?

How does he show he wants and needs you? How do you spend your time together? Are your goals in life the same? Does your family like him?

Now almost the same questions for a guy to contemplate when choosing a female, but some are different.

You want to know what her expectations are in the relationship. Does she want a family? If she is annoyed or upset with you what does she do? Does she have a good relationship with her father?

Is she using her education and talents? Is the relationship the core of her being? What does she do to keep harmony? Do her parents seem happy?

Is she affectionate and earthy enough when it comes to sexuality?

Both people need to look good, feel good, and want the best for their partner, even if it means they do not get ‘their way’ at times.

This being together is not easy and never fifty-fifty. Many times it is a hundred to zero. In time it should even out like a see-saw. There are some couples however who have established a pattern of the same one always giving in. That can work if the partner doesn’t feel taken advantage of over time.

The key is communication… talk, talk, and talk some more. About everything….

There are never guarantees and the new thinking and what I have always believed, is that relationships should have a check-up every five or so years. Then the partners decide if they want to renew the contract, so to speak.

Choose A Partner WiselyBeing together when children are young is important, but once they are on their feet, the relationship needs to be assessed. It’s just like getting a medical check-up regularly. You can avoid or prevent problems with this approach.

Marriage should be hard to get into and easy to get out of, not what we have today which is the other way around.

At least forty percent of women and sixty percent of men act emotionally outside of their marriages. Divorce in the over fifty age group has doubled in the last twenty years and for over fifty percent it is not the first divorce.

Two thirds of women and three fourths of men divorced, remarry.

Many people are using on-line dating which opens up a whole new big world.

There is a huge group of baby boomers who are single. In the sixties over seventy percent of people married; today a little over fifty percent choose marriage.

So the message is… choose wisely with the right answers to your questions, then cross your fingers, take a deep breath, and evaluate as you move along. If it’s good it will make you happy. If it is not good you will know misery like nothing else.

Do not be an uninformed amateur when it comes to this most important of life’s choices. The heart will rule but the head needs to play a role, especially in the beginning.

“For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of our tasks; the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.” – Rainer Maria Rilke

Emotions And Health

“Immortality—a fate worse than death.” – Edgar A. Shoaff

When we are young we all believe we are immortal and only look to the future. We can do anything, and often do!

Emotions And HealthAs we add on years our perspective changes. Life and its’ lessons have made us different. Depending on our experiences we become wiser, cautious, scared, or beaten. We are not the carefree people believing this life goes on forever.

Of course in reality we all know no one gets out of here alive.
Before age fifty we talk about what we are going to do. After fifty we look at what we have done and what the ‘ending’ might be.

Our emotional lives are the core of being alive. We hopefully have learned how to love and that means we can be loved in return. If not that search or emptiness goes on forever.

There can be upheavals, and drastic crises. How we weather them tells a lot about our strength in many areas.

We may become stronger or we may weaken, or we may, in fact, crumble.

How we feel and act will affect how we feel physically. There is no discussion here about mental health as that is a whole other chapter. Actually the people who are psychopaths or schizophrenic are usually quite healthy physically.

An interesting statistic is that only two hundred years ago the life expectancy was thirty!

Emotions And HealthToday with all our medical advances we are here a lot longer… like it or not!

What we do with our time is up to us. Depending on our talents and ambition we can create a better world, both within ourselves, and without. We have many resources to assist us in the process of both avenues of pursuit.

The practical aspects are there for our taking and applying ourselves. The inner journey is more difficult and many choose not to even take a look. That can be a problem. That leads to ‘emotional dwarfs.’

Having worked for years with the inner life of people and families and working in a large wonderful hospital for years I have observed some things.

These are some of my observations.

When and how individuals become ill is fascinating.

Asthma is a cry to, ‘save me.’

When the person is emotionally ‘tight’ they get sick. When ‘loose’ they are healthy.

Diabetes usually involves some sort of emotional threat. As a result the person ‘decides’ to get sick. These people are usually well defended and conform.

Gall bladder problems are from pent up anger and even fury. That black bile has years to accumulate.

Heart issues naturally involve a restless or anxious nature often coupled with stress. It can include feeling uncertain about oneself and being competitive.

Migraines are often the result of repressed anger, mainly with a mother.

Hypertension can be a somatic regression to childhood.

Cancer usually occurs at a point in time when there is a major life change with a feeling of loss of control. Many times the onset is with a loss of a love object, and loneliness.

Now all of this may be seen as gobbledygook but I have taken many histories and seen it up close.

You can think what you wish but look around and test it out.Emotions And Health

Our brains are divided with the left side controlling language, math, reasoning and logic. The right side is responsible for spatial relations, intuition, music, and happiness.

My theory is that we are either strong in one side or the other. When people have strokes, for example, you can see the differences depending on the side affected.

Where does all this lead us if we choose to give any of it credence?

To the final analysis, as always, with me… happy people have happy cells, and are healthy!!

We are all here temporarily Make your temporary emotionally good and in turn you will be healthier. Even when stuff hits you out of the blue; recovery will be faster and better.

And where does happiness come from, true intense happiness… you know by now… great sex coupled with love!! Go for it!!!

”We are no more than candles burning in the wind.” - Japanese proverb

Orgasm And Feminism

“Once made equal to man, woman becomes his superior.” - Socrates

So what’s the deal with feminism? What does it mean and how is it translated into action between the sexes?24165349_s

I have lived long enough to see a huge transition in the ways in which women and men relate to one another.

This thing called feminism is the basic reason, and a lot of it has to do with wonderful advances in the field of human sexuality, such as birth control.

As a result women are no longer victims of their role as mothers, unless they choose to be.

With the advent of furthering their education they also have moved into different realms.

People like Gloria Steinem wrote about the issues and others followed. Attitudes changed and so did behavior.

Now, I for one, believe in women using all their talents and becoming accomplished in whatever field they choose, but I also believe there are basic differences that need to be both acknowledged and given in to, so to speak.

Some changes are wonderful.   Orgasm And Feminism

It used to be the rare woman who went to college, let alone graduate school. It used to be the rare woman who was respected in her field. It used to be the rare woman who was sexually free and enjoyed that aspect of her life. Fortunately much of this has changed. BUT, and it’s a BIG but, there have been some changes that I think have diminished the true nature of most women; to be sensuous and desirable to men.

I have watched aggressive women act in ways that I think take away from their ability to be what I call, feminine. You know it when you see it or feel it.

True, not all women want marriage or to be mothers. That’s fine. Today we have options like never before. Good ones too.

Really equal in education or profession and equal reimbursement should be the standard.

Equal in expectation in bed… that’s a key to what being feminist is about, or should be.

Recently I had a great conversation with a young woman going on twenty.

She has a boyfriend for over two years. They enjoy a sexual relationship.

When we talked, as I always do, about the intimacy, she said she was a feminist and he learned to please her as well as himself!

For a young man I was curious about how that happened. Not the usual behavior of young men, even today.

She answered quite simply,” I taught him!” What an education! This guy is set for life!! And how smart of her to go after what is so important for women.

Now there are women who act more like what we traditionally think of as men as opposed to being ‘full’ women. Many of them seek power in areas such as business or politics. The qualities needed for success here are different from what we think of as truly female.

You can look at some of them. Many are not very attractive, but some of that is changing too… slowly.

The story of one woman is relevant here and not well known. It is the history of Hatshepsut the most powerful woman Pharaoh in Egypt. She ruled for twenty-two years and did wonderful things for the country.23988446_s

She was born in 1508 B.C. and died in 1458 B.C. She married her step-brother who was a child, which was common then. Her father had no son so when he died she was twelve and became Queen. Her husband was sickly and he also died after ruling for fifteen years.

She had a daughter, and no son. The closest male heir was a nephew who was also still a child. She became regent and was the real ruler. After a few years she crowned herself Pharaoh. She was not yet thirty. The nephew was too young to object.

Interestingly she had an adviser who was believed to also be her lover. Good!

She had many buildings and statues built as a way to assert her authority and she dressed as a male along with a fake beard!

Her death was attributed to bone cancer from creams she used for a skin condition.

The nephew became Pharaoh, had many of her self-statues destroyed and became a good leader in his own right.

Look around at today’s ‘leading’ women.

Today female politicians can wear dresses OR pants suits!!

“I don’t mind living in a man’s world as long as I can be a woman in it.” – Marilyn Monroe