Chapters in Love

“I find the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving…we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it… but we must not drift nor lie at anchor.” - Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

Today women make up almost forty percent of full-time workers in management but the median wages are only seventy-three percent of what their male counterparts earn. Only four percent of C.E.O.’s in Fortune’s top one thousand companies are women.

In the twenty-two to thirty years old in metropolitan areas, childless females earn less than males in every category with the same educational background.

Once married only twenty percent of wives earn half or more of the family income.

Once they have children women fall well below their husbands in earnings because they cut back their time or take off for periods of time.

So, what does all of this mean for those ladies who want to work and have children?

Not easy.

The pulls are there. The maternal instinct does not disappear and the drive to be a success using your education and talent does not evaporate.

Can you combine the two with some degree of comfort? Maybe.

It is interesting to see who has done it and how it worked out. Are there special qualities or circumstances that help?

The ability to nurture and love an infant and young child is pretty much inborn. Giving that up and leaving to pursue a career is hard. I have witnessed young children screaming, “Mommy,” as a mother went off to her job.

What they don’t see is that most of these children adapt rather quickly to a caretaker who is kind and loving, or a father, who remains with them. The screaming does not last.

That takes a lot for a mother… to walk away hearing her child scream for her.

The image stays however and the guilt that it produces is not easily overcome. But it can be put aside.

Now at the workplace there is another scenario.

This one is fraught with hazardous situations.

There is the need to be in control, perhaps have a superior position over others, requiring other skills, and the good parts of adult relationships; intellectual, challenging, rewarding, or sometimes leading to romantic entanglements.

The changes today in the role of father are dramatic. While many fathers are helpful in a variety of ways they do not do the full time job the way a mother does. Yes, they can help and women can go off to work knowing the child is in good and loving hands, but father is not a mother.

Watch a father when he is alone with a young child. The attention is not totally on that child as it usually is with the mother. His reactions to a fall or a problem are definitely different and less coddling than the mother’s. That is not to say it is a major problem, just that it is different.

Now the bottom line.

Having worked with families all of my professional life and knowing so many people socially over the years, the histories may be very different BUT most children will turn out the way they are whether or not they had a working mother. That should be reassuring to all you working mothers.

What children need is a sense of being loved, protected, and given opportunity to develop their talents, and interests, and that is doable with mothers who work.

What I especially like to emphasize is that the working mother using her education and drive comes home and sets a better example of a well- rounded worldly person who is not boring or shallow.

Now it is also true that a working mother may come home fatigued, annoyed at problems encountered at the workplace, or full of herself from accomplishments or appreciation from work, but given it all I believe she comes home a more satisfied person in the end and that means positive reaction to both her mate and children.

There are probably more unhappy, screwed up kids from intact families or non- working mother families than anywhere else!!!

“It is not what we do, but also what we do not do, for which we are accountable.” - Jean-Baptiste Moliere

“A youth with his first cigar makes himself sick; a youth with his first girl makes everyone sick.” - Mary Wilson Little

“One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. “Which road do I take? ”She asked. “Where do you want to go” was his response. “I don’t know,” Alice answered. “Then,” said the cat,“ it doesn’t matter.” - Lewis Carroll.

And that’s the way it is with a lot of teenagers. They are not and cannot be sure where they want to go… especially when it comes to sex.

Teen boys are driven by their hormones and teen girls want to find love and be accepted, and find and hold on to a guy.

That makes for a BIG problem.

Boys pressure and promise devotion and girls buy the line. They can really like the guy but once sex comes into the picture, whether oral, manual, or vaginal the whole story changes. Do not kid yourself the ‘bad’ girls still get a reputation and the boys and girls too, know who they are.

Even when you convince yourself this is DIFFERENT, trust me it isn’t and it will come out the same. You will have to live with it as a young woman, and maybe regret it. The boys just find relief and maybe they do ‘love’ the girl, but that will pass. You will not be buried in old age next to one another. There will be many more people in your love life over time.

So, what’s my advice? Be cautious. You will NEVER forget your first experience, (and it is not usually terrific), and do not waste it. Starter love is great and those feelings are powerful and wonderful, BUT sex is a whole different story. When you are mature, (not an age), sex is fabulous coupled with devotion, and time and all the ups and downs that real love coupled with passion brings.

At sixteen or so you are not THERE. And yes some people never risk it but most try.

Also at sixteen or so you are still developing in many other ways. Lots of them are confusing and difficult.

You are not a young adult and no longer a child but you will waver back and forth between both ends. Act like an infant and need mommy and then act like a young adult and be independent and make your own decisions. Go back and forth and eventually you will be independent and stand on your own two feet and have ALL the responsibility for your life… not always fun. So, enjoy the process and waver back and forth and make decisions but think first.

You have a lot to do with school, career, self-image, sexual desire; perhaps friend issues, siblings, step-families, and so on. It’s a lot.

Acting under the influence of others, alcohol, or drugs, or pressure of, “If you loved me you would.” Or “Of course I will respect you in the morning.” may not work for you in the end.
Now it doesn’t mean if you do act and feel badly later or feel that you made a mistake, the world will not end and it will not be on the eleven o’clock news, but you will have work to do to learn from your behavior.

Real love takes a long time and some people never get there, and true some people just like sex for sex, so you decide what works for you. And sometimes there is room for both aspects.

Again, it has to work for you, and you will KNOW what is right for you.
Sex serves many purposes. Some people need it to feel desired, or accepted. Some people need it to get back at parents. Some use it to just get it over with. And so on…
I’m not even mentioning diseases, birth control or pregnancy here but that all factors into the issue.

How you feel about yourself will determine what you DO.

Difficulty at home with parents as you struggle to emotionally separate yourself is normal but do not go too far as you are not yet finished developing or totally independent. One day you will be. And one day you will have this conversation with your own teenagers. Won’t that be fun telling them about your experiences? You bet!

“I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.” - Harry S. Truman

“Do not let too strong a light come into your bedroom. There are a great many things which are enhanced by being seen only in a half-light.” – Ovid

Should you go into a relationship with illusions? Yes and no. Confusing? Indeed!

When in love you idealize the lover and when you are in a relationship over any period of time you see the real person and many of the illusions disappear or become downright annoying. It ain’t cute any more.

When it gets too comfortable people let their hair down, so to speak, and they take one another for granted.

Ever hear the tone of voice when she talks on the phone? Ever hear that addressed to you?

Probably not. She’s all cutesy- putsy with the outside world but snaggletoothed with you!

Ever see him so attentive with another woman and just going through the motions or half listening to you? You bet! Many make no effort to put on or deliver what you need.

The first marriage or relationship of time is always the parent of the opposite sex… emotionally.

Like it or not there is little escape as that is what we have lived, and learned and are comfortable with and believe is right.

When it doesn’t fulfill us we drink, smoke, kick the cat, yell at employees, eat, shop, take drugs or find other sources of comfort, or substitute emotion for work. Most of these solutions don’t fill the void, and some are downright destructive.

It takes a lot of hard work and insight to change the pattern, so many just keep it going. Often even when a mate is changed the pattern persists, just the name changes.

You really have to go through the process of emotionally ‘killing’ the parent of the opposite sex to grow up and be a person in your own right. Then and only then can you move on. It is not easy to have that important person angry with you but it MUST be done. For those that haven’t done the job they are still looking to the parent for approval and you have all seen them calling the parent or being with them TOO much. If you have completed the task, it will later help you live with other people, of authority especially, not ‘liking’ you.

Every male in a relationship includes aspects at given periods of being a son, father and lover.

Every woman is a daughter, mother, and lover. In the really good relationships it’s more lover to lover over time. And sex will get you over many a bad day and unhappiness.

The old saying of look at the mother if you want to see what your spouse will be like in later life and vice versa for the males is usually true. They are the role models. And the relationship will mirror what went before UNLESS you want to change it. Today there is also the factor of women and men’s roles changing and that enters into it… not always for good. If you did not like what you saw growing up, you may go to an extreme to be different and that can happen but not fast or easily, or sometimes not for the better.

If you have made the beloved what your illusion was before really knowing them you may be very disappointed later. The cute slob before is the mess now, and the way she flits around is no longer desirable as a trait on a steady diet.

He wants to be alone or out with friends, while she wants to shop and spend money. Sex after a baby is not what it used to be and the different ideas about child rearing raise their ugly heads, just to name a few disillusionment’s

So, what’s the last nice thing you did for your partner? Could you think about that regularly or do you become too angry, hurt, or disappointed? Do you fret and have to be right?

Where is the fire, passion, fun, playfulness and so on? Have you become someone just going through the motions and accepting a ho hum life thinking that’s all there is and all you deserve?

Peggy Lee sang that song.

We are walking this planet for a very limited time and yes everyone closer to the finish line says

it is a short life. Well, maybe not if you have LIVED!

Only those who have not been fulfilled fear death; those that have, accept it. We are the only species that knows what the end will be and it’s just a matter of how and when. Hard to live with at times but live it we must… My hope is to have you look at it NOW, and regret little at that finish line!!!

Make your illusions a reality and revel in them and share the joy with that special one and it will spread in many forms to all those around you. You can spot the people who have, ‘it.’ Dead people have NO illusions.

“Understanding is a lot like sex: it’s got a practical purpose, but that’s not why people do it normally” - Frank Oppenheimer

“Prosperity depends more on wanting what you have than having what you want.” – Geoffrey F. Abert.

“Less is more.” - Ludwig Mies van der Rohe

When it comes to showing off there is no shortage of jackasses. The world is full of people, especially today, making sure you know they have money.

It’s really quite interesting to observe the many forms this whole business takes. It can be as simple as over tipping or a fancy car or designer anything.

Men can order Chateau de Chine wine and women can wear Valentino and big diamonds. You know immediately what you are dealing with; shallow and superficial people for the most part. Poor taste usually too. What are the values people hold dear, and where does money come into the picture?

Now the real queen doesn’t have to announce she’s the queen. So too with real people whose values supersede material display.

Do not get me wrong, there is pleasure in having earned or inheriting money, and living a gracious life. Being surrounded by beautiful things certainly brings pleasure. It’s the fools who try to impress that I’m referring to here.

Whenever you see it you know it, and for the other fools they then get into a competition of who can buy more or better of whatever. Ridiculous!!

The only thing men care about usually is the bottom line in their worth. They can show off with a big house, or car, or buying art, or jewelry for the women in their lives. They can also, if they are beyond all that, help others and become engaged in doing good deeds that really make the world better. The truly great ones don’t even need their names on the buildings they have donated for causes. How many are there in this category? Few!

The women, on the other hand, have to show off with clothes and jewelry. They do it to impress other women. Men don’t give a damn about that. They look at a woman in different ways. What she wears has little to do with attracting them.

Art is a prime example of where these people are off course

In Miami every year there is an art show, Art Basil.

It is full of the most grotesque nonsensical ugly pieces of junk you can imagine.
Now all these horses’ asses with money come and discuss the pieces and pay fortunes for them. Maybe a movie star, (great art critics that they are), has bought a piece so its value immediately rises. It is such a joke.

Tom Wolfe recently came out with a new book: “Back To Blood” and he describes this whole scene in great detail and hits the mark. What a pleasure.
When is enough, enough? What do you need to make you happy or to feel important?

How much money can buy love???

When you see the wealthy men with young attractive women and you know they have ‘bought’ her, or today the ‘cougar’ women with young lovers, they end up getting what they deserve, and bargained for… misery in their heart of hearts. It just ain’t worth it.

Whose feet are next to yours in bed every night matters. The jewelry et cetera won’t do it.

Actually nobody can make you happy. It’s up to you and you alone. It’s important to take a step back periodically and ask yourself where you are in life, where you are going and what does make you happy.

Short of terrible crises your life is what you make it. Who decides?

“Riches do not consist in the possession of treasures, but in the use made of them.” - Napoleon Bonaparte

“Knowledge is power”  - ” Sir Francis Bacon

“The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.” – Brendan Behan

Think about it… everyone is a prostitute… of sorts.

We all have sex for a variety of reasons and good sex includes knowing what and how to do IT.

Great sex includes love.

BUT we all do IT for a reason and that reason means we are prostituting ourselves for our particular needs. That’s true whether you want to believe it or not.

Look around at the people you know. Really look at their relationships and what they have going for them.

How many are married because they wanted security? How many are together for the children?

How many are there for company? How many are there to have… sex? You fill in the blank.

The initial reason may have changed dramatically over the years as the individuals and their life circumstances and their emotional and intellectual development progressed. One person for life is a foolish promise and the premise is ridiculous. You must choose and re-choose the person. It can be quite a challenge.

Now about the sex act itself. What’s in your head???

What kind of education did anybody receive about that? How is the trial and error method working?

Where does control, pain as part of it, or other fetishes fit in? There’s a lot more to it than body holes and poles!

Yes it can be simple and the missionary position gets the job done BUT what a difference if the guy really knows how to excite his lady. What about the clitoris and massaging it, and what about slowly caressing her ALL over to bring her to that final release of ecstasy. The smells and the sounds and the discharge of vaginal fluid make him over the top happy. Does she know the Kegel exercises; squeezing the vaginal walls in and then out to make them firm? It helps.
For her part does she know how to use the squeeze technique to slow him down? Holding the shaft of the penis head as he rises and falls. Pressure under the base near the anus gives him pure delight, licking the scrotum…and so on.

Who teaches all this and who is free enough to learn and do it?

Not a whole lot of people.

Sex can be embarrassing.

As a therapist and sex educator for over thirty years I have heard it all.

I once had a prostitute come for counseling as she was having a problem with her husband.

She had been married about ten years and had the face of a beautiful, fresh farm girl.

She prostituted for money for her husband’s drug problem. He knew what she did.

When she talked about the details one curious thing came out. She said that the most money she received regularly was from a well-known older man who only wanted to look at her, touch her while she was clothed and talk. So what’s that about?

People are lonely and many feel unappreciated and cannot be themselves and still have a good sex life.

In a working relationship that is ongoing good sex can make up for a lot of crap, and compromising. It is the glue that keeps it going and makes it last.

If you want to be sexy use everything at your disposal, ALL THE TIME!!!

There are creams, bubble baths, candles, dinners, gifts, sweet talk, and lingerie. You think of it and it can be incorporated. Whatever pleases the participants is just fine!! Nobody else matters, or quite frankly gives a damn. Those that talk in moralistic tones are repressed or just plain jealous… probably with outlets that are ridiculous and very poor substitutes. Even creative or work output doesn’t hold a candle to lively, satisfying sex. Sex in the head is never as good as juicy sex with a partner in bed!

So, yes, prostitute yourself and while at it have a good time! The older generation had wives that were parasites on their husbands and this generation shares more equally and uses one another in better fashion. I, however still believe that the human species follows their ancestors with the woman being the nurturer and the man the slayer. Instincts don’t get wiped out, and sex with a receiver and a thruster are the roles we still play, as our anatomy dictates!

“I need sex for a clear complexion, but I’d rather do it for love.” – Joan Crawford