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Some Of The Best Are Gay

Some Of The Best Are Gay

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.” – Rodney Dangerfield

While waiting for a table at a trendy brunch restaurant I sat next to a very handsome guy. Being friendly, he began talking to me and I also being friendly went on talking with him. He was bright and interesting and with his male partner. There was no doubt he was gay.

Looking at people all the time, I am quite aware that there are few good-looking men around, of any age. I am married to a handsome man so the looking is just that… looking.

At any rate, we had a delightful conversation and then our respective tables were ready.

The years I have spent as a relationship counselor and sex educator have included a great deal of time and attention paid to both transsexuals,(whom I wrote a book about), and gay people.

Some Of The Best Are Gay

First of all, I am not sure of the origin of some of the terms used for a whole group of people. Today it’s ‘gender queer’ meaning not necessarily man or woman; trigender, pangender, bigender, and ruby rose.

I really love the term, ’gay.’ It just sounds positive and fun!

The term goes back to at least the 1920’s and was a slang word among homosexuals. It entered the mainstream about the late 1960’s.

The term ‘gaycats’ was used among older hobos who travelled with younger men who exchanged sexual favors for protection and instruction. Another plausible explanation is that it meant people who were addicted to pleasure, self-indulgent, or immoral.

Whatever the root I like the word, and who can deny that having a rainbow for a symbol is wonderful!

Anyway. There are flamboyant homosexuals and there are those like the ‘lipstick lesbians’ that would be totally unnoticed as ‘gay.’ That’s how Rosie O’Donnell was surprised when she saw her beautiful second marriage partner for the first time.

Even though the Stonewall riots in 1969 brought gays out fighting there is still anti-gay behavior in America.

Our America with rights and voices for all has many places and people, important people, saying or doing anti-gayantics. Listen to some politicians about sex in a variety of forms: abortion, the church on pre-marital sex, and politicians with gay marriage. Then take a look at how we are bombarded with sexuality in all forms morning, noon, and night.

We are either schizophrenic or just plain hypocritical!

So many of the gay people I know or have counseled have fabulous creative jobs, are law abiding and in long- term loving relationships. The issues are NO different from my heterosexual clients.

They are human with the same needs, desires, fights, and solutions to problems. Many raise children who are NO different than other families. Maybe even a bit more sensitive, worldly, and accepting of differences. How nice that would be for a worldview.

 I am so sick of the small- minded, living ‘safe’ people that I could throw up. What a narrow, simple, BORING life they lead.

They need scapegoats for what they don’t allow themselves to understand and appreciate. This just doesn’t apply to gays; it applies to all minorities and those that are not like them. Heaven help us if they rule the world!

At any rate, the thing is to get to know individuals as individuals, not as a lumped in-group where, ‘all’ of those people fall into a category. Accept people as unique and see what they are truly made of and what they offer you and others.

We should not care what anyone does with their body. Taking care of our own is a full time job and most screw, (no pun intended), that up quite nicely themselves.

20108396_sSex is wonderful in ALL its’ forms. Relax and enjoy it… all of you!!

We are all a composite of good and bad, lovely, and not so lovely. Only by being truly human can we accept others and ourselves.

You cannot change what your heart gives you. The struggle with being gay starts in childhood and it is fought alone at first and then often brutally with others. The shame and embarrassment is difficult for many. Coming out to parents, siblings, friends is murder. Living the life takes courage and pain.

Being in a group helps, but does not solve all problems.

Learning to trust and love is not easy for any of us and especially hard when you are ‘different.’

So, whoever you are out there I loved meeting and talking and looking at you. As I once said to the famous gorgeous Catholic Father Hesburgh, for heterosexual me, “What a waste!”

“Understanding is a lot like sex; it’s got a practical purpose, but that’s not why people do it normally.” –   Frank Oppenheimer


Who is In Charge?

“When grown- ups do it it’s kind of dirty—That’s because there’s no one there to punish them.” Tuesday Weld

Just saw the film, “Fifty Shades of Grey.” I was curious about the relationship of the two people involved and wouldn’t spend time reading the stupid book.

Now I am no prude and as a counselor and sex educator, I have heard it all. This story is just for vapid people who are voyeuristic with poor sex lives! The acting is not good although the characters are attractive with nice bodies, which they show off often in the nude.

Who is In Charge?Sado-masochism is not new and as far as I’m concerned if two partners are willing; so be it. We all get turned on by different routes. The fact that this film is so wildly attended tells a lot about our culture. Will people get ideas to experiment with? Maybe. Will people feel better after seeing it? Probably not. Will the dried up older women have something to talk about? Yes.

Will it enhance relationships? NO.

The female in this movie, knew a bit about loving. He too had feelings but could barely express positive ones.

Being successful in business didn’t fit with his persona either. Maybe not feeling and being IN CONTROL and calculating helped in that aspect of his life.

Anyway, every relationship has areas of control, even in the bedroom!

Who controls and in what areas and how they use it is what is important.

The famous love stories where an older or more experienced person teaches another about possibilities in sex can be just fine. Think “My Fair Lady,” “Taming of the Screw.” Or that notorious Mrs. Robinson. There is a role here.

Pain, can be an element of sex and causing frustration such as holding back in the sexual experience can produce excitement. There is no single answer for all of us.

In a 2009 film by Woody Allen, “Whatever Works,” there are a few stories interwoven about who is in charge and how they all work it out, and indeed, it is whatever works. We all have to find our way. The ending in “Fifty Shades… ” Is the reversal of who ends up in control.

People allow themselves to be ‘used’ in all sorts of ways, usually to please or hold on to a partner. How far some go is unbelievable.

We all need to feel good about ourselves, and what we allow with another in relationship….especially in sexual encounters.

We can give ourselves permission to do whatever, and allow new experiences but when they get out of hand or in areas we do not want, it is often difficult to put the brakes on…that’s a problem. Sometimes messages are unclear. Is it yes, no, or maybe?

Who doesn’t want to be loved or have great sex? Most of us do, I think. How we all go about it is the question.

There are NO aphrodisiacs except in your mind.21375121_l

Romance? Who has that these days and what is it?

The great old love stories of waiting and flirting and teasing, and longing are rare. The flame that gets ignited and is treated with genuine caring is not the norm. The closeness and intimacy and sharing of everything through talk, not so common.

So, what does that leave us with? Just sex?

Well, probably the one who is in control and pushes for what they want.

Recently there was a big story in the New York Times magazine about a student at Stanford who says her older mentor raped her. Now it’s a big story of he said, she said, with a lot of non-viewing witnesses and lawyers. A huge mess. Just because someone is older or in a position of power does not make them in control. True rape is a horrible thing to have happen with a strong partner or weapons…but how often is the charge used as a different kind of weapon? It is a murky and all too frequent charge lately.

Alcohol or drugs can cloud the issue too.

Your heart is a most unusual instrument for love and your sex drive is powerful. When the two work in tandem for pleasure there is nothing better. We need to LEARN how to use them well.

There are some sweet love stories about people who were in love years ago and after many years get reunited and the old love comes back with a vengeance. The brain remembers and the body responds. Chemistry!!

So, see it all, experience whatever and make your own life joyous in this most precious of dimensions.

“Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters; united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels.” – Francisco de Goya

Are You A Saint On Valentine’s Day

“True love begins when nothing is looked for in return.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupery


Try that on your piano… lots of luck, especially on the day set aside for lovers.

There are lovers and then there are lovers.

How does one become a good one you ask?

It doesn’t come naturally to most.

True love is expressed in a thousand different ways… every day.


It is touching, doing considerate things that a partner enjoys, apologizing when you are wrong, or even if not, making life happy, remembering important occasions, sharing time and having experiences to cherish, being there for the ‘bad’ times, and best of all giving of each other’s bodies for sexual pleasure.

Talking about everything and working through issues is high on the list. Just looking into each other’s’ eyes and knowing you are at the core of their happiness makes a good lover.

Doing special loving things as a surprise works.

We all know who does not or who does love us no matter what they say or do. We FEEL it. Here you can trust your instincts.

What people do to display their caring differs according to culture and custom. It also depends on their learning about love, their talents, and their resources.

The history is rather fascinating.

It began as a religious celebration for one or more Christian saints named Valentinus.

A popular story states that one of these saints in Roman times was imprisoned for performing weddings for soldiers who were forbidden to marry and for ministering to Christians.

During his imprisonment he healed Asterius, the daughter of his jailer. Before his execution he sent her a letter signed,”Your Valentine.”

The day is celebrated in many parts of the world and it became associated with romantic love in the high Middle Ages with Chaucer when courtly love flourished.

In 18th century England lovers expressed their love with flowers, candy, and cards. Hooray for commercialism!

Nothing wrong with taking that step back and thinking how to show you love him or her. It’s mostly him showing her…but can go both ways which I happen to like.

Send him flowers. Why not?

The main thing is to DO something.

Are You A Saint On Valentine’s DayI have known many females who have taken that proverbial ‘fit’ because a man they thought loved them fell short not thinking the day important.

Think again you guys.

If you have not been well trained you need to learn. This is important.

Now it is true there are many perfunctory, or obligatory flowers and candy bought and given but the giver and the receiver know somewhere deep inside it is not from the heart and the depth or intensity of real love just ain’t there.

The words spoken or written matter, when they convey intimacy.
Some masquerading lovers can put on a show, and even say the words but here again, the heart CANNOT be fooled.

There are also some guys who just think this is not important and they show their love all the time so why bother with this ‘nonsense.’

Think again… to most females it is a message.

Pieces of romantic jewelry keep forever and I have had clients who still wear a heart given to them years ago by someone they loved who showed they loved them in this sweet way.

Whatever you can dream up to display what you really feel will work.
Unlike that monument to love, the Taj Mahal, don’t wait for your lover’s death to show it to the world forever!!

Be a saint!!

“The truth is there is only one terminal dignity-love. And the story of a love is not important–what is important is that one is capable of love. It is perhaps the only glimpse we are permitted of eternity.” – Helen Hayes

Spread Your… Wings

So Mr. and Mrs. Stern married young and to celebrate their fiftieth anniversary she asked to have a first class weekend in New York at the St. Regis hotel.

He readily agreed and they check into a gorgeous suite with champagne and hors d’oeuvres waiting along with a huge bouquet of roses. He knew what to do!

After a bit, she asks if he would mind if she goes out shopping and he says, “Fine, have a good time. Here’s the charge card.”

Off she goes. She is gone a while and he becomes bored and decides to go down to the bar for a drink.

While there, a shapely good looking woman starts talking to him. She asks if he would like to have ‘a good time.’

He says he is old and not sure that is possible.

With that she says, “Go to your room; leave the door unlocked and I will come and do all that is necessary.” He goes.

Spread Your… Wings

As they are engaging in intimacy with a passion Mrs. Stern opens the door with her bags and sees what is going on.

She grabs him and throws him right out of the tenth story window.

Police arrive and he is dead.

Appearing in court the judge looks at her saying,”Mrs. Stern you are an intelligent woman who was married to that man so many years, why would you throw him out of a tenth floor hotel window?”

After a pause she looks at the judge and says,” I figured, if he could fuck, he could fly!”

So, when do you spread your legs and then fly with wings?

Well, it’s different at different ages.

Young people are learning and gaining experience. Hopefully they learn to see their bodies as their temples and allow certain people to worship there. Alcohol, while it can diminish the sex drive allows freedom of inhibition.

Today having one boyfriend may be a safety against promiscuity, and allow for emotional connection to grow. It takes time. Sex just for sex has its’ benefits but it is not enough for real love over time. Passion has to be nurtured to keep it alive and interesting.

Guys learn that females have the capacity to hurt you… intentionally often. Males are not so prone to do that. So, both genders are learning stuff.

The petty concerns of youth give way over time as relationships are allowed to mature. Love never comes easily or without pain.

It is like everything else in life; the more you know the better it is. It cannot happen by magic. An architect doesn’t just look at a building and say, “It’s nice” He knows what goes into making it. A surgeon looks at a broken bone and knows what it will take to fix it, and so on.

So too, with sex and love. The problem here is that there is no school to teach all people what is involved and the eternal search may never get fulfilled. Pity!!

Hench the reason for my life’s work and this blog. LEARN and learn early. It will be the best part of your entire life if you can do it.

Females are the gatekeepers and they are usually the ones to teach the men what to do and how to do it. Males are the weaker sex here and are dependent on the females spreading their legs, willingly and lovingly. It is not easy for either one of them.Spread Your… Wings

But it’s like other areas of this life… if all you know is Jello for dessert you never get to know how good strawberry shortcake is!!

Experience and communication on the deepest level are what you are after.

Sharing intimacy emotionally, intellectually and PHYSICALLY is the best, I promise. In this case practice does make perfect.

Avoidance and paying back for hurts, and not compartmentalizing areas of life will all get in the way but true connection will always come through and sex will make it feel good. If one person is not fulfilled then the other cannot be. All sorts of machinations go on to cover up the hole but nothing will work. It is ONLY that total human bonding that will make this short, stupid life worthwhile. Substitutes can get you through and many live their whole lives with half-assed ones, but somewhere deep inside if they take that minute to reflect they know the truth.

You can only avoid so long. The price paid is huge.

If you want to fly spread those legs and the wings will carry you to the sky!!

“If I told you, you have a beautiful body, you wouldn’t hold it against me would you?” – David fisher

The Morphing Of Sex

“Of all the sexual aberrations, chastity is the strangest.”– Anatole France

What makes the world go round? Sex, of course!

Now, as in all other things, sex has changed over the years. You need only to look at the Kinsey report from only sixty years ago to see the differences.

Then, over seventy percent of couples performed only the missionary position… BORING!!

Then merely one third had ever engaged in oral sex.The Morphing Of Sex

Partner masturbation and anal sex… forget it.

Female orgasm…don’t even think about it.

The frequency… who knows?

Today there is a huge difference in a number of sexual behaviors.

Since the 1960’s and birth control there has been a steady increase in female satisfaction. What is especially fun to know is that eighty-five percent of males believe their partners are orgasmic while only sixty-four percent of the females report being orgasmic! Why fake it? Well, they say it makes their male partner feel good. Okay.

Today over ninety percent of men between the ages of twenty-five to twenty-nine report having had oral sex while almost ninety percent of females report having oral sex at least once. Progress?

The frequency of activity is low in the forty age range and is high early in life as well as late in life. Interesting.

All of it changing and for the better. Variety and sex videos and toys are readily available for those free enough to use them. Just thinking about sex gets you ready. The males get excited with erections and the females lubricate and the game is ON!

Alcohol is a social lubricant and can help or hinder. Too much inhibits the male performance and can cloud judgment. Caution is the word here.

When trying to explain to a young person what the sexual release is like it is often compared to a sneeze. The buildup and then the release that feels good. Trust me however, sex and sneezes… no comparison!

As people connect today with the online world there is a danger that intimacy is hard to achieve. One statistic that proves this is that one in twenty-five married men see prostitutes, and almost seventy percent describe their sex lives at home as, ’mechanical.’ They have partners that know little about what it takes to keep IT alive.

Good sex and love mean enchantment and complete vulnerability. Who teaches that? This post!!

Just thinking about, ’letting go’ and allowing IT to flow and his or her reactions will help.

The sounds and smells are so special and unique to each couple that they cannot be duplicated.

The Morphing Of Sex

Our technical culture and mind set do not assist in all of this. Calculation and thinking itself runs counter to being close and having great sex. That is a problem today. Being poetic, if you will, is not in our nature or culture so easily.

As a result people look for something more, and they have increased opportunity today to connect with other people. Affairs are commonplace and may, in fact, help keep a dead relationship going…which exists for other reasons…not real love.

So, yes, sexual behaviors, and thinking have changed; mostly for the better.

We know more, we experiment more, and we are freer. Yippee!

The whole area of homosexuality and transgendered love is also in the forefront. Why shouldn’t these groups share what heterosexuals have?

The expression of feelings is not new. Love is not new. How it is shown in the realm of sex is new and different.

Aberrant behavior has always been there but now we have a media like film showing it in living color to all of us.

Hence the new film, ‘Fifty Shades of Grey.” Do we get ideas for our own lives from these things? Probably.

The rule of thumb is if two people agree to ANYTHING it is fine. It is only when someone is exploited that it is a problem or illegal.

The more we know, the more we practice, the better we are at whatever we do. So too with our sexuality. That values and science have helped us move along in this most vital of areas of human existence is indeed a blessing. Just think how long it would have taken for desire to be fulfilled wearing those cumbersome clothes at the turn of the century! Talk about the mood going…

Keep romance alive!!

“Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, well, I think of my sex life.” – Glenda Jackson