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What Really Gets You Angry

“The woman who cannot hate like a bitch afire, and express it, cannot love like a tigress, or a kitten.” - Brendan Francis

Get angry, by all means, and let it out.

Women usually get nasty, or retreat in silence. Men have the fight or flight syndrome. Whatever… it is anger expressed. Now sometimes it can get furious, and if you look at the majority of murders, it’s because of love gone awry.

Look at the things that make you angry. Most of the time it’s because of unmet emotional needs. He/she doesn’t say or do what you want, the way you want, or when you want… simple as that.

Now the specific cause may have nothing to do with the underlying real reason.

What Really Gets You AngryWe get hurt, disappointed, and angry with the same issues all the time. If we have tried to calmly, after the fight, explain the reason, and our partner persists in the same behavior, he or she can’t or won’t change, and you have to decide if it is worth all the drama.

We get angry about things left over from childhood and how we ultimately feel about ourselves. It is all based on what we think we are ‘worth’ and deserving of.

If we grew up thinking we were wanted, special, attractive, liked our body, and became accomplished and valued we have a solid core.

If we are insecure in any of the important areas of life, we are more vulnerable.

We become sensitive in the spot that makes us feel lessened, not valued or appreciated, or understood.

If you are a long way from the person you want to be you are already on shaky ground and anything might set you off. You feel attacked and have to fight back or crumble.

We need to know who we are and how we tolerate a partner who is not US. The really insecure ones try, or do use control as a means of keeping a partner. Some unsuspecting partners even allow it, or think it is the easy way out. HA!

In the beginning of most really loving relationships we like the differences in our partner and certainly overlook much. With time, these same attributes become liabilities. This is especially the case when affection, and yes, sex, is not good or even there. That is the salve for bruised feelings. It works wonders!!

People are usually all happy in the same way, but misery is unique to each one.

The question may become who has leverage here and how is it used.

The story of Venus, the goddess of love and Adonis, the handsome hunter who thought he was the best, shows what can happen to a couple; mythical or not.

She dreamed he had an accident while hunting and tried to prevent him from a hunt. He ignored her and went off and a wild pig killed him with its’ tusks. She had to watch him die as a result.

So there… who doesn’t listen to you?

That could have been a BIG fight! What Really Gets You Angry

At any rate to move on, don’t stop disagreeing, or having differences of opinions, just know how to keep healing. The worst relationships are the ones that tell you they never fight. They have no passion and are just pathetic and really don’t care a hoot about one another.

Be careful about what is said in the heat of an argument, as that will be remembered. If you fight dirty and tear down the person rather than deal with the issue that can be very damaging.

In some cases people are so dissatisfied with themselves their anger is let out on the person closest to them who they think will not abandon them. That is another situation entirely.

Some rules that could help include, honoring boundaries, accept the reality that your partner is not you and thinking as you do.

Make ups can be great; intimate, and special. You can examine the issues, grow, and not keep repeating the same stuff. If not, make a joke the next time about, ‘Here, we go again.’

Being unhappy is stultifying and will fester. Get it out and keep the flame ignited, but in a positive way. Your partner should be your best friend who is SEXY!!

“One privilege of being associated with people whom a person loves is that of being angry with them.” – Arthur T. Jersild

What gets you furious?

Time To End It

“When life looks like it is falling apart, it may just be falling in place.” - Beverly Solomon

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. The beginnings are usually magical and wonderful. We look at the beloved with those proverbial rose colored glasses. We make them our ‘fantasy’ love. We accept and forgive things that we formerly would not.

As a relationship progresses we all know that moment when the light goes off and we realize this is not the person I thought he or she was.

By this time a whole raft of things may be going on; responsibilities that take time and attention, perhaps children come into the picture, money issues, work related concerns, and so on. This is a test.

Is there enough to keep it going?

For many the adjustment works and they go on. The closeness, intimacy, talk, touch, and of course, sex, can work wonders and smooth over many bumps and even big upheavals.

How differences get resolved is a biggy here.Time to end it1

Criticizing the behavior, not the person helps. Getting the feelings of hurt or anger out is absolutely necessary. Who apologizes and is it always the same person?

Does the ‘injured’ party make themselves understood… really?

What are the issues? Are they always the same? Are they in fact, important?

There is no ‘winning’ in these cases. It is truly just deeper understanding which will move the relationship along and make it more intimate. If it is a control issue or one upmanship, or seen as a defeat or loss of face, that will not make a mature and lasting resolution. Pride has no place here.

If you have gone over the same ground a hundred times and there is no change in behavior it may be time to either take it for what it is, if there is enough other positive, forgive the partner who has a blind area, or if it is too hurtful too often, time to end it.

Life is about mostly small, daily, boring things. The fun comes from a whole mess of outside and internal behaviors that make it interesting, and joyful.

You know my theory, that without love and passion you might as well be dead. The fact is that there are huge numbers of the ‘walking dead.’

Look around, watch the interaction between couples, and listen to what is said. The proof is always in the behavior, not the words.

Now you can focus on the negative or you can try to pitch to the positive but when the negative outweighs the positive and you have tried your damnedest to correct it and nothing changes. Get on with your life!!

Sometimes we expect the impossible or have unrealistic desires, or unreasonable hurts. That all has to be looked at… honestly.

Sometimes a relationship has served a purpose and outlived its’ usefulness, to be blunt about it. People do change and needs do not stay static. However after a certain age, and no one knows when, there should be a level of maturity.

Time to end itThe heart, however, and the feelings attached to it may not grow or expand. Acceptance and forgiveness may not be possible and then you need to move on. There are too many people out there hungry for real love to stay going around the same merry-go-round going nowhere forever.

Love means that your joy comes from loving and giving of yourself in every way possible to your partner. If you are not a martyr and there is little returned for your needs, then you should find someone else.

There are some situations or times in the course of a relationship where one or the other is limited and this should balance out over time. It is almost never a constant fifty-fifty and that’s fine.

Two people from different backgrounds and experiences in childhood learn to accommodate one another; some more successfully than others however.

Growth emotionally, life experiences, and intimacy keep love alive.

If you are the one ending it you will still feel that horrible empty feeling in your stomach, wonder if you did the right thing, miss many aspects about that person and what you shared.

If the decision is a good one you have to give it a bit of time, and always remember the reasons for the ending.

I promise you, life will go on, it will not be on the six o’clock news and you will live to have another relationship that will be better because of what you learned!! I promise!!

“Resentment is one burden that is incompatible with your success. Always be the first to forgive; and forgive yourself first always.” - Dan Zadra

 

This Is Life And It Sucks

“The earth… has a skin, and this skin has diseases. One of these diseases, for example, is called, man.” – Friedrich Nietzschelife sucks13104876_s

So, we get in these awful moods where nothing is the way we want it, and then we look at this troubled world. Was it ever different? How does it all impact us humans?

Recently I had a discussion with a bright man who was trained in astrophysics and then as a physician.

He gave me food for thought.

The universe has been around for about 14 billion years and is always in movement and changing. It is believed the planet Earth came into existence by the collapse of gases into solid materials about 4.5 billion years ago.

Earth has been through cycles of ice, jungles, deserts, and oceans, as it revolves around the sun. Today the earth still has a liquid center and a surface of solid plates of rock.

Life on earth may have begun about a billion years ago when conditions of moisture and temperature were correct.

Humans appeared about 100,000 years ago, and for the past 5000 years humans have become the dominant species adapting to changing conditions. There is little proof that humans can alter the course of the planet’s changes.

life sucks22207527_sAnother theory is that life emerged 3.5 billion years ago and mass extinction events have occurred about five times in the course of this history. A social critic, Derrick Jensen, believes that human history may show a naturally destructive force.

Wars, nature, humans, all cause destruction. Have you visited Pompeii? We were putting people in ovens not that long ago to kill millions. Just watch any news program today to get a current state of affairs.

We only see life backward, never forward!

The human brain is now enlarged to 1400 centimeters increasing our ability to work in cooperative groups, be social, analyze intelligence, and divide labor skillfully, and so on. Has it helped? You tell me.

People looking for life to be, ’fair’ are wasting their time. Wanting answers to much about life is often very limited in conclusions. Frustration!!!

Today in many parts of this world there is no shame in terrible behavior and politicians and lawyers have found ways to get what they think people will settle for, no matter what the reason. Where does that leave us?

Values that make money number one and great science can’t do it.

When I talk about love and relationships, the topic seems dwarfed by the overall human condition and this planet’s path. But I do it anyway, as those fleeting transitory periods are what makes this life bearable and indeed joyful.

I fluctuate between disdain and pity for most humans, and this is my professional business!!

A new book by 85 year old E.O. Wilson from Harvard, ”The Meaning of Existence” talks about who we are and who we want to be.

He thinks that after three and a half billion years of existence and evolution we are in the age of loneliness.

Those of you who follow my blog know I agree. You can see it all around you.life sucks20635517_s

Young people trying to connect, and usually through a device, not direct human contact. Older people who are ‘together’ but have never had true intimacy. Should I go on?

He also feels that by the end of the century a half of all species we know now, will be extinct.

When are we humans on that list???

Now before you get too maudlin…. I also say, find your passion, joy, go for it, and do not let it go… no matter what.

We will get through day by day, and you have nothing to decide about it all anyway, at least not today.

My own personal solution includes a glass of wine, great music, and dancing with my own romantic ideal!

“After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, maybe life isn’t for everyone.” - Larry Brown

What are your ideas on this subject? 

As any parent knows, homework time can be stressful for both the parent and the student.

While it is true that some students have excellent executive functioning skills, i.e., know how to prioritize and can do their homework in an efficient and effective manner, many others struggle with homework from first grade through high school. In fact, many students develop a “learned helplessness” and begin to depend on their parents to answer textbook and teacher questions, read and explain challenging material to them, collect and organize research material, and remind them of upcoming assignments. This cycle can begin very early in a child’s school career and may morph into a full fledged dependency with increasing amounts of frustration for both the parent and child.

A typical scenario might be your child coming to you to help him/her understand the directions to an assignment.  After you explain what is involved in the assignment, your child then says he/she doesn’t know where to begin. You then help with the initiation of the assignment and leave the room. Within a few moments you can hear cries of frustration and desperation followed by the sounds of video games. When you peek in to see what is happening, you discover that the homework/project/essay is put aside and your child is on the computer connected to social media, games, etc. You then run interference and turn off the distractions and tell your child to get to work. 

GB01It’s at this point that you discover that he/she has no idea not only how to begin but does not comprehend what he/she has just read. You then sit down for the long haul and begin to prompt, explain, reread, and then just take over so that the assignment can be completed at a decent hour. Tempers may flare during this exchange with both parent and child feeling annoyance which quickly escalates into high anxiety and anger.

However, if students are taught effective study skill strategies and content area reading techniques, chances are that this dependency cycle can be halted. These strategies can be implemented by children at all grade levels, from elementary school through high school. For example, the previewing of chapters in a systematic manner before students read the material tricks the brain into thinking that the reader has prior knowledge.

Since prior knowledge plays a large role in both comprehension and retention of information, previewing can be a very powerful tool if done correctly. Another example of an effective study skill is learning how to read “actively” as opposed to “passively”. For example, students can develop their own marking code which can delineate main ideas, supporting details, examples, and conclusions. In this way they are more apt to stay alert and interact with the material than if the only thing moving is their eyeballs across the lines of print.

These study techniques also can serve as a signaling device that it is time to take a break since students will not be able to apply the strategies unless they are focused and attending to the task at hand. There is no point at staring at a page of print if one is not fully engaged with the material. That is simply a waste of time.

Eventually students will take ownership of these study skill strategies and use them throughout their schooling including college and graduate school. College life, with its many hours of unstructured time and increasing responsibilities left to the student, can play havoc with students who come unprepared to be independent learners and thinkers. Counseling offices are often filled with students who find it difficult to adjust to being more on their own academically. On the other hand, if students come to college prepared with “internal tools” they have a much greater chance of success.

Thus parents can begin to serve as a “guide on the side” instead of a “sage on the stage” and feel comfortable that their children are well equipped to tackle their homework and research projects independently and successfully throughout their school careers. Many more strategies can be incorporated in a student’s tool box (also known as the brain) to help children become successful lifelong learners.

 

 

 

GETTING THROUGH THE HOMEWORK WARS

 

“You make me chuckle when you say that you are no longer young, that you have turned 24. A man is or may be young to after 60, and not old before 80.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.

Lately I’ve been talking to a lot of young people and what has popped up is a particular age fraught with emotional issues; 24. Both males and females seem to encounter problems at this particular age. For girls, they are grappling with guys who don’t want to say, “I love you” and can’t commit. Many males don’t engage in sex saying they are tied up in their careers, or doing other activities like running to the gym three times a day!

The females are frustrated and long for a relationship and they see their men all the time and really want them to come through. This can go on for a few years or longer while they hope the guy will finally settle and be with them the way they want. That happens once the guys turn 27 on. So if you are 24, listen up. You need to look at your goals and maybe don’t let a potentially great relationship wither away. Now I’m not suggesting you have to engage emotionally commit, or even have sex, BUT why not? When you look throughout history what is especially interesting, (not for parents), is that very loose women have ended up with some fabulous men and great lives. Pamela Harriman is but one example. That the men don’t push for this is indeed surprising to me. All the dating stuff that is there at every age is also part of the picture.

Who calls whom, who causes fights, who makes up, where you go, who pays, and all the rest. The physical part is the area that doesn’t happen to the full extent. While it is true many females get clutchy, demanding, and jealous and guys feel pressured and want to have their options open, there is still the possibility of having a good, and learning experience. True, you are not at the end of the line, and marriage is not even an issue here, but you can try your wings at love and all that it involves; the great and the difficult. Love is not learned or experienced overnight or more than usually probably twice in a lifetime. That stuff that every generation copes with, writes songs and poetry about is all that it’s cracked up to be, so jump in. ‘Starter’ boyfriends and girlfriends are wonderful. They will help you as you move along this journey. Look at your peers who have taken the gamble. You’re Twenty-Four It Ain’t Easy

Even in the best of circumstances with much experience and maturity monogamy is not always sustainable. Forty percent of women and sixty percent of married men report affairs. Maybe they needed even more relationships in their past to know what this love thing is all about??? No matter what your age when you are attracted and long for someone the feelings are the same. You light up around them, dress for them, hang on every word and gesture and want to be SO close. That feeling that you don’t want to live without them is universal. When there are problems or you feel any rejection you want to DIE! Yes, that’s loving someone. To be afraid at 24 is normal. To be afraid at any age is normal. Love can be scary. Sharing thoughts, feelings, and a body is frightening, BUT, you cannot ever have it without going through the process. It is a process and you have to want it, and be brave to reap the rewards.

I am not talking about ‘needy’ people here, just the normal run of the mill males and females wanting to share their entire selves in an open relationship. It may take many trials to trust that you can love and be loved for yourself, but keep on trying until it happens BECAUSE there is nothing, and I mean nothing like it on this earth!!! And do remember you are not 24 for life!

“I sometimes think we all die at twenty-five and after that we are nothing but walking corpses, with gramophones inside.” – George Santayana

You’re Twenty-Four… It Ain’t Easy
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