“In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar, a custom which is still continued.” – Helen Rowland
Choice is the operative word here. We ALWAYS have choice.
What used to happen no longer happens in the manner in which we choose partners, whether for short term or the more important, long term connection.
The best rule of thumb is to be mature, (not an age), and experienced enough to know what matters to you.
When people married young without much knowledge or experience, in or out of bed, it was a real crap shoot.
There were restrictions that kept couples together, even when they knew they were not good for one another.
Today we have a new set of standards and expectations. We also have more open knowledge, and experience.
The problem today may be that we have TOO much experience and we do not have romance or value partners.
They become expendable. Many people wait until they feel the age for having children may run past them and they then grab whomever, in order to fulfill that wish. Some don’t need a partner to even do that. Science has assisted in the entire process.
But if you do want a partner, for a while, what do you set up as criteria? Studies have been done that show people choose partners who have facial symmetry and are considered handsome or beautiful. That is an indicator of good genes. It also helps in the female being orgasmic. She is ready for pleasure, even though you may need a GPS to find that illusionary G spot! I do not think it is even an important element for orgasm. He is always ready.
Primal ecstasy is so wonderful that those few seconds, and that is all it is, seconds, have lasting memory and the need to repeat it is strong. In one study they found that only twenty-three percent of women were orgasmic from male penetration. So, women, and men have learned what to do. The various sexual behaviors have been learned and are widely practiced. Great!
The more you know the better it is and that holds people together. It is the ‘glue’ if you will, of any really intimate relationship. The better in bed the better all around.
Now being a great lover does not make for a great relationship in and of itself but it sure helps.
Other qualities are important.
Watch how he treats waiters, cab drivers, and others not in his category. Look at his tie or lack of it to his mother, in particular. Is he kind and caring to you? Does he try to please you even when he doesn’t agree? How is his frustration and anger expressed? Is he a responsible person you can trust? Does he open up and share his feelings with you? Who are his friends and what are they like? Is he controlling?
How does he show he wants and needs you? How do you spend your time together? Are your goals in life the same? Does your family like him?
Now almost the same questions for a guy to contemplate when choosing a female, but some are different.
You want to know what her expectations are in the relationship. Does she want a family? If she is annoyed or upset with you what does she do? Does she have a good relationship with her father?
Is she using her education and talents? Is the relationship the core of her being? What does she do to keep harmony? Do her parents seem happy?
Is she affectionate and earthy enough when it comes to sexuality?
Both people need to look good, feel good, and want the best for their partner, even if it means they do not get ‘their way’ at times.
This being together is not easy and never fifty-fifty. Many times it is a hundred to zero. In time it should even out like a see-saw. There are some couples however who have established a pattern of the same one always giving in. That can work if the partner doesn’t feel taken advantage of over time.
The key is communication… talk, talk, and talk some more. About everything….
There are never guarantees and the new thinking and what I have always believed, is that relationships should have a check-up every five or so years. Then the partners decide if they want to renew the contract, so to speak.
Being together when children are young is important, but once they are on their feet, the relationship needs to be assessed. It’s just like getting a medical check-up regularly. You can avoid or prevent problems with this approach.
Marriage should be hard to get into and easy to get out of, not what we have today which is the other way around.
At least forty percent of women and sixty percent of men act emotionally outside of their marriages. Divorce in the over fifty age group has doubled in the last twenty years and for over fifty percent it is not the first divorce.
Two thirds of women and three fourths of men divorced, remarry.
Many people are using on-line dating which opens up a whole new big world.
There is a huge group of baby boomers who are single. In the sixties over seventy percent of people married; today a little over fifty percent choose marriage.
So the message is… choose wisely with the right answers to your questions, then cross your fingers, take a deep breath, and evaluate as you move along. If it’s good it will make you happy. If it is not good you will know misery like nothing else.
Do not be an uninformed amateur when it comes to this most important of life’s choices. The heart will rule but the head needs to play a role, especially in the beginning.
“For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of our tasks; the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.” – Rainer Maria Rilke