“Disappointments should be cremated, not embalmed.” – Anonymous (Henry S. Haskins)
I guess that means we should forget about our disappointments. Can we? I don’t think that is an easy task.
How long we fret, dwell on them or get furious about them is the true issue.
Then again, it depends on where we are in life and what the disappointment is.
As children we begin to learn to cope with what we don’t like and what needs are not met.
Have you watched a child scream for candy or to go where he or she wanted to go? It all starts there. Do they get what they want? How does the caretaker respond? Of course, the infant learns early on how to cry for what it wants. With language the whole business changes.
For parents it is often easier and less embarrassing to just shut them up. But, what are you teaching that way?
It is much more difficult to set limits and have children learn early on that there are unmet needs in this life and they are not always in control.
As we progress, the areas change. We can be disappointed in how we look, friends who are not friends, dating situations, parents, schoolwork, and so on. The list is endless and depends on each of our values. What matters?
With young adults, it can be around a career or job situation. You name it and someone has been disappointed about it.
Now you can fret or even be stymied over some disappointments… It’s up to YOU!
At times if there are several areas at the same time, you can be on overload. If the same type of situation keeps repeating itself, you really should take a look at it more closely.
Some people get into wishful thinking or it is always the other guy’s fault. At times it’s that phrase, ‘If only….’
None of that gets the job done and you get ‘stuck.’
Now with the real deal… love, of course, there are a myriad of disappointments, both small and large.
Here is where the heart gets involved and it is no longer merely a mental exercise. It is a visceral, feeling business. This is never easy.
It can be, and I will present it from a female’s point of view, any number of things. The male version is similar.
I wish he had called… brought flowers, said what I wanted to hear, helped me out, and bought me something I wanted… and on and on.
When there is intimacy all and everything can be talked out. What happens after that is what counts.
Did anybody really listen? Did behavior change? Who is trying to please whom?
How you relate your disappointment is a key factor in all of this as well. The phrase, ’You never….’ Or an attack of the person in anger does not make someone want to please you. Taking it back generations, ’You are just like your father….’ also doesn’t endear you.
It is also a two way street. He has needs and requests too. A good method is to exchange requests, one at a time, and see if they can be met. It isn’t always fifty-fifty, but it can be negotiated. Try it.
If requests are couched in words like, ’I would really appreciate it if you would…. helps.
Now we are not automatons and there are times when we are so frustrated or downright angry, or if the same request is unheeded, that we lash out. It only means we are human. Soon we may be replaced by robots and then see what happens!!
One of the ‘cures’ is to look at what really matters and what bothers and upsets you, and makes you feel unloved. Then if it cannot change maybe, you can change your expectations. Then you will not be setting yourself up for disappointment.
If you are mature enough and love enough it will happen and you move on.
If however, it is a major obstacle in the relationship that you cannot get over and your partner cannot change, you may have to reconsider whether this is the right relationship for you. Put it on a scale with the positives on one side and the negatives on the other then weigh them and see where you come out.
True love will accept a lot of disappointment and go on. It will!!
“You will never be happier than you expect. To change your happiness, change your expectation.” – Bette Davis