“We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us.” – Martin Luther King Jr.
Yeh, yeh, yeh… try that when you’re in the midst of a fit and hating that person.
It doesn’t work then, and for some people it never really works.
It can feel like loss of power or control and at times the loss of pride. That’s just the way it is.
Now, of course, we are also talking about those times when you are unreasonable or sure you have the answer or are right. All of it gets mushed up together to make life miserable.
It is never fifty, fifty. Being lovable is not a full time event. There are passive aggressive people who do things that are not overt but they infuriate. We all learn what buttons to push and we are who we are.
At times it truly is one hundred percent on one or the other. In some cases there is a pattern where one person is always the one to forgive or reach out with a hug or words that move the situation along and make it better.
You can understand some things and yet not agree. For people who have to be liked all the time this whole business can be tiresome.
Sometimes you just can’t explain and get your message and its reasons across.
If you don’t ‘win’ you can feel diminished and less a person. Compromise puts you in the position of not getting your way! If you are used to that, compromise will be truly difficult.
I see this often in both men and women who have positions of authority and decision making in their professions. When they come home or out on a date they don’t automatically turn off and become sweet demure pussy cats!
This is especially hard in today’s world where there are many ‘successful’ women. The role of being vulnerable and giving in does not come easily. Men do not usually like bossy or crass women. They are not fragile or needing them. The soft coquette is not the lawyer or doctor or boss finding love easily. If the woman is the higher wage earner this also affects the way they relate to men and men to them.
Men want to protect and provide and please women they care about. Women want to nurture and induce love in men. When these traditional roles are not played out in the authentic self, there can be problems. If you are meeting deadlines, and aggressive at work you cannot be another person with a partner easily.
If you have to be cold and aloof and be competent meeting goals you cannot abandon those aspects of your nature.
Anticipation, intimacy, and abandonment of self, which great love requires, needs warmth and understanding and a shared connection.
While we always have choice, our personalities sometimes don’t recognize or want to choose what makes for a dynamic loving relationship.
Hench we have many perfunctory, pedantic, mundane connections; sometimes for decades.
Giving of oneself emotionally, intellectually, and indeed physically demands touch and caring expressed. Shared interests and values can make life pleasant but true romance requires something more.
Love finds you, you don’t find it, and then the relationship gets going.
My theory is it should be your best friend who’s sexy!!
Now you, and only you alone, know what areas you can compromise… and we all have to.
The good part about a lot of this is that sex can be the glue and healing remedy for hurt or bad feelings. It is also important to fight fairly and disagree without tearing the partner down or going over their history, or saying things like, “You always… or you never.”
Many times it becomes a will struggle and then neither one will back down. That can lead to the erosion of something that might have been good.
In “Love Story,” the phrase was “Love means you never have to say you’re sorry.” I ABSOLUTELY DISAGREE.
If you have been burned by past relationships it can also be a factor. Risking your heart is scary every time. Putting it in a safe place takes experience and trust.
None of us is perfect or always right, (except me).
One man I know said he gets up every morning and announces, loudly, “Honey I’m sorry,” and that makes his day really fine!
Sometimes it’s better not to say what you think.
“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” – Ernest Hemingway