“We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them.” – Kahlil Gibran
We are programmed, if you will, by who we are and this stays within us over time.
What we have learned and feel about ourselves and others comes as part of our innate personality coupled with our early learned experiences. That being said, we are ‘drawn’ to certain people and feel comfortable and attracted to them as a matter of instinct.
We may have a fantasy idea of an ideal partner, but our heart will tell us when we meet someone if we want to really and totally connect with them.
Sexual attraction is either there or it isn’t. You can’t control the feeling and you cannot make it happen either.
Without that start there is no complete love possible. But the question is do we fall in love or want to act on those initial feelings?
That is where choice comes in if you stop to think about it at all.
We all ‘use’ people for our own purposes. When you truly love someone your whole existence is wanting to make them happy and you want to keep seeing them, touching them, and sharing your body, and mind with them.
Just like choosing to use birth control, we decide how far we want a relationship to go. Do we want to conceive love? Do we need a mid-wife to help deliver it, (outside sources), or do we want a natural birth?
Love can just happen, along with the sex drive. We can decide at any point whether or not we want to put the brakes on.
Time and experience will determine the final solution.
If we have been hurt in relationships in the past, we are not so ready to choose love. Love is dangerous and can cause the most excruciating pain on earth…. but only if we allow it.
As a therapist I can say that the rare couple is the one that has chosen and often re-chosen love no matter the consequences. It is a combination of the heart in tandem with the intellect.
People of all backgrounds and ages have fallen in and out of love. Some more often than others. The choice is always there.
One of the recent developments in our culture is the number of people who are divorcing at an older age. An article in the New York Times – After Full Lives Together, More Older Couples Are Divorcing By Abby Ellin recently that addressed this issue.
In 2014, people over age fifty were twice as likely as those in 1990, to divorce. The explanations had to do with life expectancy increasing, second marriages, and women’s independence and ability to support themselves. The increase in those over sixty-five was even greater while divorce rates in those younger has plateaued or dropped!
These ‘silver’ or ‘grey’ divorcees feel they have made a choice that offers them a better life. They go on in a variety of ways and report being happier. It is usually the women who initiate the parting as men seem to be needing less emotionally and accept an ‘adequate’ life rather than a ’juicy’ one, even though they are not emotionally or sexually fulfilled.
One of the women was quoted as saying she wanted to be a good role model for her children and show them the choice of living for love, not fear. The fear of being alone or not managing on her own. What a great legacy for children!
Fearing the unknown is real for many, and many stay for a variety of reasons, which do not include love and passion.
We are on this earth for a blink of an eye, and we all have to decide how we choose to spend our lives. If it is without true love and great sex… forget it!!
Yes, it is possible to lead a ho-hum life and be satisfied but I hope you won’t. You can risk it and jump in with both feet Your heart will not lie to you. Your body will respond. You have to choose to allow it all to happen. It is your choice. Choose wisely!!
“Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it… It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for.
And the trouble is, if you don’t risk everything, you risk even more.” – Erica Jong