“One was never married, and that’s his hell; another is and that’shis plague.” – Robert Burton
This marriage business is what I have been doing for decades. There is NOTHING like marriage but marriage!
What is currently taking place in this whole arena is ground breaking and the outcome is unknown. It will take at least a generation to assess it all.
Today we have choices that were never available before. We can meet people in a variety of ways; worldwide. We can have sex with anyone we choose at any time. We can all be independent and on our own. We are living longer. We are educated and we have a huge number of ‘experts’ telling us their opinions about relationships.
As I view it there are a number of choices when it comes to marriage; after you are in it.
The first question is how mature are you and are you ready to be with someone in a marriage? Can you say you only want them in order to love them? If it’s to love you primarily you’re not ready! Closer to thirty may help although years don’t tell the whole story.
The next question is how much experience have you had to know if this someone is the ‘right’ one for you to commit to? You really need a few deep fairly long term ‘pasts’ to know.
There is no question that what the reality of daily life with another person requires is not easy and often downright unpleasant. That rosy glow that maybe got you there in the first place soon fades.
Being ‘in love’ means different things to each of us; again based on our maturity and experience AND insight.
While sex can be a great driving force and the ‘healer’ of much that isn’t the way we might like it, there is more to this thing called marriage.
Daily routines, the way we live, how we earn money or spend it, having or not having children, social life and so on all impact on a couple. Who makes the decisions? How are ‘hurts’ handled? Who communicates what and how? Is affection part of the package?
Being busy with life can often camouflage the underlying relationship. Talking about mundane things, and perfunctory sex can quickly become the norm.
The roles each partner plays and the way they were raised will soon come to the forefront. We choose people based on our unconscious needs and feelings. Many times the head has a different message but that one goes unheeded. Even when those who love us tell us to beware we often do not. Sometimes that works; more often we spend lives trying to make believe and prove them wrong. However, the one person we cannot fool is ourselves.
Now after that initial foray into marriage what happens for the long haul? As always we have choices.
We can decide this really was not a good idea and after careful scrutiny, move out of it and on with our lives. Takes courage and honest assessment of the situation.
We can grin and bear it and stay the same. The toll here can be an illness.
We can find another to be an ‘auxiliary’ and keep the marriage going for whatever reasons. There are issues of trust and betrayal and guilt that have to be dealt with here.
OR, we can work on it to keep it alive and good. The shared history, the daily comfort of routine and security and the basic love that got you there can all be enhanced from time to time.
The best is to have a close physical relationship that can be spiced up along the way. Make surprises happen, and look sexy, enjoy what the two of you really like, and have a ‘contented’ heart. Only you can do that. And you can only do that with love and physical components. Talking about feelings is mandatory.
Having differences, big ‘fights’ and emotions are all necessary if you care. When you are perfunctory in love and really loveless, with feeling ‘indifferent’ the marriage is over. Then that ring is the smallest handcuff in the world. Control is NEVER a part of a good relationship. It indicates a lack of self- esteem and worth, and lack of trust.
Now every marriage has times when one or another wants to leave, can’t think why they married this person, or wants them DEAD! All normal. When feelings are strong the marriage is ALIVE! If it is too much, then it may be time to go; but only after an attempt is made to solve the problem and maybe professional help.
A long term good marriage is a great way to go through life but not many achieve it. Learning should be a part of everyone’s education about something that is the core of life! Trial and error is a long, painful way to learn…hence my blog!!!
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes the trouble.” – Raymond Hull