“When life looks like it is falling apart, it may just be falling in place.” – Beverly Solomon
There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. The beginnings are usually magical and wonderful. We look at the beloved with those proverbial rose colored glasses. We make them our ‘fantasy’ love. We accept and forgive things that we formerly would not.
As a relationship progresses we all know that moment when the light goes off and we realize this is not the person I thought he or she was.
By this time a whole raft of things may be going on; responsibilities that take time and attention, perhaps children come into the picture, money issues, work related concerns, and so on. This is a test.
Is there enough to keep it going?
For many the adjustment works and they go on. The closeness, intimacy, talk, touch, and of course, sex, can work wonders and smooth over many bumps and even big upheavals.
Criticizing the behavior, not the person helps. Getting the feelings of hurt or anger out is absolutely necessary. Who apologizes and is it always the same person?
Does the ‘injured’ party make themselves understood… really?
What are the issues? Are they always the same? Are they in fact, important?
There is no ‘winning’ in these cases. It is truly just deeper understanding which will move the relationship along and make it more intimate. If it is a control issue or one upmanship, or seen as a defeat or loss of face, that will not make a mature and lasting resolution. Pride has no place here.
If you have gone over the same ground a hundred times and there is no change in behavior it may be time to either take it for what it is, if there is enough other positive, forgive the partner who has a blind area, or if it is too hurtful too often, time to end it.
Life is about mostly small, daily, boring things. The fun comes from a whole mess of outside and internal behaviors that make it interesting, and joyful.
You know my theory, that without love and passion you might as well be dead. The fact is that there are huge numbers of the ‘walking dead.’
Look around, watch the interaction between couples, and listen to what is said. The proof is always in the behavior, not the words.
Now you can focus on the negative or you can try to pitch to the positive but when the negative outweighs the positive and you have tried your damnedest to correct it and nothing changes. Get on with your life!!
Sometimes we expect the impossible or have unrealistic desires, or unreasonable hurts. That all has to be looked at… honestly.
Sometimes a relationship has served a purpose and outlived its’ usefulness, to be blunt about it. People do change and needs do not stay static. However after a certain age, and no one knows when, there should be a level of maturity.
The heart, however, and the feelings attached to it may not grow or expand. Acceptance and forgiveness may not be possible and then you need to move on. There are too many people out there hungry for real love to stay going around the same merry-go-round going nowhere forever.
Love means that your joy comes from loving and giving of yourself in every way possible to your partner. If you are not a martyr and there is little returned for your needs, then you should find someone else.
There are some situations or times in the course of a relationship where one or the other is limited and this should balance out over time. It is almost never a constant fifty-fifty and that’s fine.
Two people from different backgrounds and experiences in childhood learn to accommodate one another; some more successfully than others however.
Growth emotionally, life experiences, and intimacy keep love alive.
If you are the one ending it you will still feel that horrible empty feeling in your stomach, wonder if you did the right thing, miss many aspects about that person and what you shared.
If the decision is a good one you have to give it a bit of time, and always remember the reasons for the ending.
I promise you, life will go on, it will not be on the six o’clock news and you will live to have another relationship that will be better because of what you learned!! I promise!!
“Resentment is one burden that is incompatible with your success. Always be the first to forgive; and forgive yourself first always.” – Dan Zadra