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When No Means… Maybe

“We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love, never so forlornly unhappy as when we have lost our love- object or its love.” – Sigmund Freud

We all know that to love and be loved is the ‘It’ of life, but to first find it and then to maintain it is never an easy task.

The finding it is now in a whole new sphere; the internet, cougar night in Silicon Valley and new sexual interest drugs for women. Whole new world… some good, some not so good.

Many people are experiencing the joylessness of sex as a result of the instant hopping into bed.

When No Mean  MaybeWhen sex and you become a commodity the lure, the romance, the delight disappears.

Looking just at sex on TV shows, the manner in which we are engaging with one another in this arena is without emotion. Sex has been relegated to a transactional , utilitarian obsession.

Anything goes, and it is there in living color for all to observe. Michael Douglas saying his throat cancer was a result of cunnilingus was another example of what would never have been disclosed just a short time ago.

Sexual voyeurism is rampant in many forms. In some cases, it may enhance the viewer’s desire or give them a new idea… that’s not bad; but when it desensitizes the act and there is no feeling of intimacy and caring and longing it falls short and gives a poor message.

Sex today makes me nostalgic for sex just yesterday. It should include longing and fun. Does it for you?

Today instead of looking for Mr. Right, many are settling for Mr. Right Now!

Where does this lead?

Are you saying yes instead of saying no? Does he hear, “No,” or does he hear “Maybe?”

Now sex is vital in my book, and yes, sometimes it can be just sex for sex, or without much caring over time, BUT when does that line get crossed and you are no longer able to get to “Yes” with real intimacy? It seems many have lost the art of communication. The iPhone and texting are not the same!

The other area where this gets played out is when two people disagree or have a heated argument and then it becomes who ‘makes up?’

One older guy I know says he wakes up every day and just announces, ”I’m sorry,” and that protects him all day for whatever his partner may not like that he does or says.

Most of us get bent out of shape when our emotional needs are not met. What gets you hurt?

Figure it out. It will help. We all have Achilles’ heels.

When that awful feeling bubbles up recognize it. Then deal with it.

Teach your partner what they have to do or say to get you back on track. When we say “No,”When No Means… Maybe we are often looking to play cat and mouse and have our partner come to us with a hug, a flower, a poem or whatever to make it right again. Partners should hear, ”Maybe” in their heads when they hear that ”No.” It is often a call to be shown how much we are truly loved. Love is being close ‘in spite of’ not ‘because of.’ And yes saying “I’m sorry,” is important. Then talking after a while maybe with a glass of wine!

Women want to be wooed and men just want to be accepted without harassment.

So, in both realms, sex, and disagreement, “No” is not the final answer, unless you really want it to be.

Living with ups and downs, hateful feelings, and loving feelings are all part of the package.

Being grown up also means living with ambiguity. If the negative outweighs the positive that’s a horse of another color, and may be a sign of something more sinister.

We have no guarantees in this life and real love is one of the few oases we have for fabulous feelings, and sex is the physical wonderful expression of it. Use it wisely and be sure what you mean when you say, “No” and maybe just have it as a come closer message, that he has to ‘fight’ for.

“In lovers’ quarrels, the party that loves most is always most willing to acknowledge the greater fault.” – Sir Walter Scott

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