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Who is In Charge?

“When grown- ups do it it’s kind of dirty—That’s because there’s no one there to punish them.” Tuesday Weld

Just saw the film, “Fifty Shades of Grey.” I was curious about the relationship of the two people involved and wouldn’t spend time reading the stupid book.

Now I am no prude and as a counselor and sex educator, I have heard it all. This story is just for vapid people who are voyeuristic with poor sex lives! The acting is not good although the characters are attractive with nice bodies, which they show off often in the nude.

Who is In Charge?Sado-masochism is not new and as far as I’m concerned if two partners are willing; so be it. We all get turned on by different routes. The fact that this film is so wildly attended tells a lot about our culture. Will people get ideas to experiment with? Maybe. Will people feel better after seeing it? Probably not. Will the dried up older women have something to talk about? Yes.

Will it enhance relationships? NO.

The female in this movie, knew a bit about loving. He too had feelings but could barely express positive ones.

Being successful in business didn’t fit with his persona either. Maybe not feeling and being IN CONTROL and calculating helped in that aspect of his life.

Anyway, every relationship has areas of control, even in the bedroom!

Who controls and in what areas and how they use it is what is important.

The famous love stories where an older or more experienced person teaches another about possibilities in sex can be just fine. Think “My Fair Lady,” “Taming of the Screw.” Or that notorious Mrs. Robinson. There is a role here.

Pain, can be an element of sex and causing frustration such as holding back in the sexual experience can produce excitement. There is no single answer for all of us.

In a 2009 film by Woody Allen, “Whatever Works,” there are a few stories interwoven about who is in charge and how they all work it out, and indeed, it is whatever works. We all have to find our way. The ending in “Fifty Shades… ” Is the reversal of who ends up in control.

People allow themselves to be ‘used’ in all sorts of ways, usually to please or hold on to a partner. How far some go is unbelievable.

We all need to feel good about ourselves, and what we allow with another in relationship….especially in sexual encounters.

We can give ourselves permission to do whatever, and allow new experiences but when they get out of hand or in areas we do not want, it is often difficult to put the brakes on…that’s a problem. Sometimes messages are unclear. Is it yes, no, or maybe?

Who doesn’t want to be loved or have great sex? Most of us do, I think. How we all go about it is the question.

There are NO aphrodisiacs except in your mind.21375121_l

Romance? Who has that these days and what is it?

The great old love stories of waiting and flirting and teasing, and longing are rare. The flame that gets ignited and is treated with genuine caring is not the norm. The closeness and intimacy and sharing of everything through talk, not so common.

So, what does that leave us with? Just sex?

Well, probably the one who is in control and pushes for what they want.

Recently there was a big story in the New York Times magazine about a student at Stanford who says her older mentor raped her. Now it’s a big story of he said, she said, with a lot of non-viewing witnesses and lawyers. A huge mess. Just because someone is older or in a position of power does not make them in control. True rape is a horrible thing to have happen with a strong partner or weapons…but how often is the charge used as a different kind of weapon? It is a murky and all too frequent charge lately.

Alcohol or drugs can cloud the issue too.

Your heart is a most unusual instrument for love and your sex drive is powerful. When the two work in tandem for pleasure there is nothing better. We need to LEARN how to use them well.

There are some sweet love stories about people who were in love years ago and after many years get reunited and the old love comes back with a vengeance. The brain remembers and the body responds. Chemistry!!

So, see it all, experience whatever and make your own life joyous in this most precious of dimensions.

“Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters; united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels.” – Francisco de Goya

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