“When a love comes to an end, weaklings cry, efficient ones instantly find another love, and the wise already have one in reserve.” – Oscar Wilde
This ‘love’ business is the most fascinating topic on earth. Not just to write about but to experience.
It is fraught with every conceivable human emotion.
We all know the beginnings. They are magical and you are in a euphoric state. The loved one is ‘perfect.’ All faults are overlooked, ignored, or rationalized away. That basic drive to unite physically supersedes all else. The goal is to be one; to be close in body and mind. Whatever you do is wonderful. Wherever you go is fine, and whatever is shared or said is enjoyable and fun. Just hearing the voice sets, you in motion for wanting to see one another, touch and be intimate. Hugging, kissing, and body contact is desired all the time and it is never enough. When apart there is a longing and missing of one another. All great…. until it isn’t.
After time and ‘togetherness’ feelings can change.
Now there is no specific time on this aspect. It can be soon after the initial euphoria or it can be after months or years. You will sense it and feel it.
Naturally after time there is a familiarity and comfort together BUT it is when that ‘fire’ no longer gets lit and when being close, especially physically changes that it is winding down.
There is a long list of things that can cause this to occur.
It can be a general lessening of the core sex drive for that person. It can happen as a result of communication diminishing. It can be a lack of real understanding. It can be changed goals or values. One of the main reasons is a realization that this person does not meet your emotional needs. He or she is not attentive, caring, or doing what you think they should be doing for you. They are not considerate.
Being interested in someone else only lets you know things are changing.
When the ‘rose colored glasses’ come off you may see the real person. You may also see what they mean to you. Why you cared about them and what role the sexual part played in all of it.
Sometimes it comes as a shock to you but often others who care about you saw it all along. They may even have tried or talked to you about it. You were deaf… then.
When parents do this the reverse happens and the young person, especially, will hold on to prove their independence or to thumb their nose at the parent. When friends warn about the relationship they are told they just don’t know the real person the way you do. All in all, it is a lost cause to tell anyone what they want or need romantically. We all have to make our own choices and often mistakes. Sometimes the mistakes are big ones and stay with us for life.
Bad marriages, hurt children, and a life of ‘un’ love is no way to live.
When the winding down first rears its’ ugly head you have a choice. Be aware or ignore it. Talk about it, try to make it better… or end it.
It is usually the case that when one person feels the relationship isn’t working the way it used to the other person is well aware as well. A real relationship is never one sided and we do not live in a vacuum when it comes to this thing called, love.
While it is true many relationships go on and last a long time even when the feelings have changed not everyone wants to settle for that limited, puny life. We are here for only so long, and vital for only so long and to not use ourselves well in this most important aspect of our life is foolish.
Ending a relationship that we thought was love is never easy and often not quick or painless. Who ends it and how is crucial.
Acknowledging the wind down should be the start.
If two people are mature and caring, then it is a mutual decision and one that both can agree upon and accept. If not there will be a see-saw back and forth, up and down, and it can become very hurtful.
Winding down happens. The sizzle changes in every relationship. In the real LOVE ones they can rekindle; move to a deeper level, and get better. If not the wind down goes way down and there is no longer anything to wind.
The thing to bear in mind is that if one person can’t appreciate you the way you need to be appreciated another will. Once you know how to love you will never have to be without love or alone!
“Real loneliness consists not in being alone, but in being with the wrong person, in the suffocating darkness of a room in which no deep communication is possible.” – Sydney J. Harris