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You MUST Hate Your Mother

Three words that are always true, Gam Zeh Ya’avor.

This was in King Solomon’s ring from his adviser. It translates to, “This too will pass.”

The tragedy in the Connecticut school can never be forgotten or excused. But we have to go on and hopefully find ways to cope, understand and ultimately prevent such horror.

For the people who loved the victims Dante’s words will be in their hearts forever. “There is no greater misery then in remembering happy times.”

None of us can grow up without “hating” our parents in some form, mildly or fiercely. I have a full blog on that topic, read it. It is not possible to be your own person, in your own generation, without going through the process of emotionally “killing” your parent, especially the mother. She usually holds the power, as it were, over you and tells you what is expected and how you should live and behave. At the core most mothers want the best for their children. The problem is many are acting out what they want or didn’t have for themselves. They want their children to do better and make them look good. Hence, the problem. They do not really see the child as a separate individual with talents and needs of their own.

My way of dealing with it all is to write this and maybe help others.

There are no magic words but those who go on can use the feelings to make life better for others in the name of their loved one. In life every good-bye is a sort of death and when death does come and the final good-bye is there we can only hope we have said and done all that we wished to and for the person that is gone. It is never complete and when a child is taken from a parent, no matter what the circumstances ,the realization that they will never experience or accomplish what they might have been capable of ,is tragic. The other side is that they also will not have to suffer all the hurt and disappointments that life inevitably brings, off and on.

There is no more painful loss than that of a child and John Greenleaf Whittiier wrote,
”Of all the sad words of tongues or pen the saddest are these, it might have been.”

Another major aspect of this whole awful incident is the young person who committed the deadly deeds.

My theory is that he was in the throes of hating his mother and trying to resolve that dilemma, albeit in a “crazy” set of circumstances.

In Greek mythology, Oedipus unwittingly killed his father and married his mother, Jocasta. She hanged herself when the truth came out and he blinded himself. They had four children, and he went into exile, although he was king of Thebes.

Freud later, (1899), named a psychological process the Oedipus complex, asserting that individuals, (sons), have a repressed desire for sexual involvement with the parent of the opposite sex while feeling rivalry with the parent of the same sex. With girls, it’s the Electra complex. Usually it is worked out over adolescence and the child then identifies and copies much from the same sex parent.

This young man’s parents had divorced some years ago and he may not have had a role model to work out his feelings with.

With some individuals they try but never fully resolve the issue, with a parents’ divorce or not, and they spend their lives in the struggle.

My hunch is that on some level that is what was going on inside the killer, and it just got out of hand. We will never know the real facts.

Why he chose the place he chose and the victims he shot will remain a mystery, except that You must hate your mother12383783_mhis mother had once worked there and he saw happy children with loving families, unlike his life. We can only imagine the why and make speculations.

Freud again, said that psychoanalysis ought to be praised for its’ power to convert rank misery into common everyday unhappiness.

That seems to be the case for so many people these days. Just too sad.

Am I suggesting forgiveness? No. Am I suggesting something might have prevented this? Maybe, Parents seeing problems, a teacher, a friend, professional helpers? Again, who knows?

What I do know is that having guns available certainly did not help. That could be changed.

In America that freedom seems poorly given and needs addressing… NOW!!

So what can any of us do?

Just let those who mourn know we care and try to make our world better. As Dr. Spock once tried to teach; we push our children for money, and what we call success, instead of teaching caring and learning how to truly love. Can we try to start now?

How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.” Anne Frank

 

 

 

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